


Where Else Would I Be?

by louisiloveyoutothemoonandback



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Bottom Louis, Car Accidents, Caring Harry, Comfort, Depressed Louis, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hospitalization, Louis is distancing himself, M/M, No Smut, Non-Consensual Touching, Protective Harry, Sad Louis, Self-Harm, Top Harry, alright I think I have to add some, and won't let him down, but the lads love him, non-au, not yet at least, oh and there's no smut, that's it basically
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-19
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-02-13 20:12:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 40,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2163708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louisiloveyoutothemoonandback/pseuds/louisiloveyoutothemoonandback
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis wasn’t well lately. Harry was sure about that, even though Louis wouldn’t talk about it. Something was wrong with his best friend and Harry really wanted to figure out what it was. But you are helpless if the one you worry about is constantly distancing themselves from you until they are all alone. And everyone knows that bad things can happen, when you are alone. Especially when you don’t really care about yourself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hiii loves:)  
> This story was supposed to be a oneshot but then I couldn't stop writing. I don't know how much chapters there are to come. I hope you enjoy it and please tell me what you think about it! I'm not a native english speaker but I tried my best!

So, it was 4 weeks now on the day. 4 weeks where Louis hadn’t really talked to anyone. Well, of course he did talk to them, but nothing personally. He spoke as little as possible and if he had to, it usually was about the show or the weather. Stuff like that. Stuff that didn’t really matter. At least not to him, because lately he didn’t really give a fuck about anything. Did this make him a bad person? Louis wasn’t sure about this but he couldn’t really care about that either actually. Nothing mattered anymore. Even though Louis tried – and he tried, oh yes, he really did!

 

He tried to be interested in all this stuff people like to talk about. How much height their kids gained, what new recipe they found, that new TV-show they liked. But Louis just couldn’t find any interest in these things. And the problem was that he really liked these people who talked to him even though he barely answered. They were the people he knew for almost 4 years. People he spend so much time with. He knew them better than some family members and he had talked to them for hours on end before. But now it wasn’t possible, because he could barely stand their presence. And that really was a problem.

 

They were on tour right now. They travelled through a lot of countries but Louis couldn’t remember where exactly they’ve been. His ability to remember lacked on sufficiency lately, he noticed. Sometimes he startled and realized that he was sitting in a restaurant with the crew or in the tour bus and couldn’t even remember how he got there. Sometimes days passed by and for the life of him he couldn’t tell what he actually did those last hours. Sometimes he ate something and the moment he finished he wouldn’t know what it was and if it tasted good.

 

‘Maybe I’m going crazy now. Maybe my head stops working now and I’m going insane’, Louis thought. But these thoughts wouldn’t help him. They never did. So he just sighed deeply and rested his hands on the cold stairs on which he sat for a whole while now. He couldn’t remember for how long exactly but why would he care? They had their rehearsal earlier and there were still a few hours until the show would begin. So why should he care? All Louis knew was that he needed some space right now. He needed to distance himself from everyone and everything. His head had felt as if it would explode any moment so he had left the cafeteria with a mumbled “Loo…” Nobody seemed to notice or care. Except Harry, maybe. Or maybe it was just a random glance from him. There were a lot of random glances from Harry but that was just how he was.

 

“No, no thinking”, Louis murmured while rubbing his cold hands over his face. They smelled like the cold stairs. He let them glide through his hair and rested them on the back of his head while looking down at his feet. He wore his favourite vans, the dark blue ones with the little “H” on them. Harry had drawn it on them just after Louis had bought them. They had both laughed so hard because it remembered them on times when Louis used to draw a small “L” on Harrys hand whenever he had the possibility to. It was a long time ago.

 

Louis sighed again. Actually it was more of a noiseless huff than anything else. He hadn’t really the strength to sigh anymore. He felt weak, inside and outside and he didn’t know why. He often thought that maybe he should work out more but he hadn’t even the strength to think about it. So he made it a habit now to sleep a lot. He slept anytime possible. Thus he could avoid talking to others, he could shut out everyone and, most importantly, this endless stream of thoughts stopped for a while. He really needed for it to stop right now as well.

 

“Lou? Hey, Lou!” That was Zayn’s voice. Oh no, maybe he had sat here much longer than he thought! Louis hurried to stand up before Zayn could see him sitting there in that cold staircase and made a few steps toward the calling voice.

 

“Lou?” With that Zayn appeared from behind the corner and showed a relieved expression.

 

“There you are! We were looking for you a while now. Where have you been?”, he asked and a frown grew on his forehead as his eyes noticed where the both of them stood.

 

“Oh, umm... I just- I was- I told you I needed to go to the toilette.”

 

“Yeah, well, that was two hours ago and there were toilettes right beside the cafeteria. Is everything alright?” Zayn’s eyes were now wandering up and down Louis body as if he thought maybe there would be a hint on what Louis had done. Louis cleared his throat and thought maybe Zayn could hear his brain rattle in search for a plausible excuse.

 

“You see, I just remembered something I forgot to do and then suddenly I got a bit lost in those big ass hallways.” He tried to crack a smile but wasn’t sure if it was working. Zayn didn’t look as convinced as Louis hoped.

 

“You know I like to explore a bit. I found a storage room where I found really interesting things.” Zayn’s frown began to fade and a small smile reached his lips.

 

‘Just a bit more’, Louis thought, ‘Zayn will lose interest soon. Just a bit more…’

 

“I would tell you where it is but… You know, I would have to kill you then…” Now Zayn was full on smiling. Louis’ internal sigh was louder than his actual voice.

 

“God Lou, you’re such a kiddo!” Zayn shook his head and turned to where he came. When Louis didn’t move he stopped in his tracks and asked: “You’re coming, Tommo?”

 

“Yeah, sure”, Louis hurried to answer and went to follow Zayn.

 

 

 

 

Louis felt exhausted. Their show was over and he and his bandmates walked towards their tour bus. They had to drive through the night because the next show was tomorrow already. He had seen some flags today in the crowd so he guessed that they were in Canada. He wasn’t sure though. Surely Liam had said the name of the town they were in whilst his little speech but Louis hadn’t listened. Before the show Liam told him that it was Louis’ turn today to hold this little thank-you-speech but Louis told him his throat would hurt a bit and he wanted to rest it as much as possible. Luckily Liam agreed to that and held the speech himself.

 

So wherever in the world they were, right now there was just one place that really mattered to Louis and that was his tour bus bunk. He dragged his feet over the grey floor and wished the bus wouldn’t be so far away from the stage. In front of him were the lads talking and joking and laughing. Maybe Harry was a bit quiet but Niall was nearly buzzing with joy. Even Zayn smiled really big and talked animatedly to Liam. Louis could barely hold his eyes open. Every time he blinked he had to force himself to remember how to open them again.

 

Eventually they reached the bus and Louis made a beeline to his bunk.

 

“Hey Louis, man. No FIFA today?”, Niall asked a bit disappointed. They often played one or two rounds after a show because they all couldn’t sleep right away with that amount of adrenalin in their bodies. But Louis was just so sleepy lately.

 

“No, sorry Niall. Gotta sleep.” With that he climbed into his sleeping space and closed the curtains.

 

“Huh”, he heard Niall quietly through the dark fabric of the curtain that separated him from the rest of the band. But for Louis it felt as if it separated him from the whole world. He felt a little more peaceful and was drifting off when he heard those soft voices.

 

“He is always so tired lately. Haven’t you noticed?”

 

“He’s a bit off, right? Do you think he’s going to be ill? Or maybe he already is. He never likes to admit such.”

 

“Don’t know. I’m a bit worried though.”

 

“Guys, calm down. I was talking to him earlier today and I tell you, he was a weird kid like always. I bet he is just a bit worn out. I mean we all are looking forward to a break. So leave it, okay?”

 

There were huffed agreements or at least Louis hoped it were agreements. Then the thin door shut and it was quiet again. Louis let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Well, luckily he was quiet a good actor so at least Zayn believed, he was alright. But of course he wasn’t alright. God, no, he really wasn’t. Louis pinched his nose. No, he couldn’t stand that kind of thoughts right now. He needed to sleep. He tried to think of something nice like a bunch of cute puppies. That worked for a while. Then there was a lot of cotton candy and he reached for it when it suddenly grew so that he stood on it. He took a few steps and realized that it was clouds and he walked on them. He bent down and felt it with his hands. It was really soft and smooth. He couldn’t stop caress it with his fingers when he noticed that it changed its colour. It was brown now and had some loops in it. Or maybe it was locks? It actually looked like hair. Brown, curly hair. Louis shrugged and continued to caress it and felt really light. And there was another feeling. It was as if he felt something like... home. Yeah, that was it, he felt secure and maybe even loved. He felt like he was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this was the first chapter. I'm so nervous, I don't know if it sucks or not. Please tell meee!!


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey Lou!” Louis looked up und was surprised to see Harry right in front of him. He hadn’t heard him and wondered how long exactly he had been lost in his mind. Louis was sitting on a soft couch that stood in one of their dressing rooms. The door was open, but he had been all alone in there. That’s why he was there in the first place. Everyone was somewhere else, chatting and laughing and Louis thought this room would be the best alternative. For a better plausibility he was holding their song lyrics in his hands. But Harry wasn’t usually one to be fooled like that.

 

“What are you doing in here?” The look of his eyes made Louis not even try to lie to him.

 

“Uhm, I just wanted a bit quiet. You know those lots are so damn loud.” He rolled his eyes a bit and tried a grin. He failed completely. Harry sat down next to him and frowned deeply.

 

“Yeah, well, but usually you’re the one to lead the chaos.” Harry turned to look at Louis and was kneading his hands absentmindedly. Of course Louis noticed that. He noticed everything Harry did. Well, maybe he missed some things lately, but there was always at least a little spark of interest in Louis when it came to Harry.

 

“What is wrong with you Louis?”, Harry asked pleadingly. And then his deep voice got a lot faster than usual. “How can I help you? I’m so worried, you know. I tried to ignore it first. Then I waited for you to explain it to me. But now I can’t wait anymore, I see that you are tired every time and you are so, so quiet. You barely talk anymore. You won’t look anyone in the eyes and you are just not… you anymore. There is no sparkle in your eyes anymore.” Then he stopped as if words weren’t enough for him anymore. Harry’s green eyes pierced Louis’ and he had such an earnest expression that Louis couldn’t bear to make fun of him. So instead he tried a half-lie.

 

“Look Haz, you are worrying too much like always. Yeah, I’m a bit tired because of the tour and stress. I mean you guys are stressed as well, right? I just need a bit more sleep. It’s not long until we can go home for a break. But other than that I’m fine, okay mate?” He put a hand on Harry’s left shoulder and raised his eyebrows in question. Harry stared a while longer. Then he looked down and nodded his head lightly. Louis was about to sigh in relieve and stand up to escape these green orbits when Harry raised his warm voice again.

 

“But- but what about that sparkle of yours? Where is that gone, Boo?”

 

Louis froze when he heard that old nickname. Boo… yeah, Harry used to call him that every time. But that was a long time ago as well as the little “L”’s on Harry hand. Well, maybe not that long.

 

Louis was afraid to look in his friends eyes, so he continued to inspect his shoes. That was something he did constantly these last weeks.

 

“I don’t know what you mean”, Louis answered with a hushed voice and stood up quickly. He needed to go, like right now. Harry knew him so well; Louis wasn’t able to put a show on him when he was serious like now. Harry was serious most of the time, that’s why Louis tried to avoid being in one room with him. This did really hurt Louis. But there was one thing that was worse. And that was hurting Harry. So Louis could never tell Harry how he really felt, because his friend would adopt his pain. And Louis would never ever hurt Harry.

 

Louis could feel the worried glances of those familiar green eyes in his back when he walked out of the room. He wouldn’t stop until he pushed open a door and suddenly stood in the sunlight. He took deep breaths and sat down on a low wall. He knew they had an interview to come soon but first he needed to calm down. Not that he really was emotionally heated. It was more as if he was empty. And he needed to fill that emptiness. Actually he wasn’t able to fill it, that was the problem. Therefore he always tried to forget it was still there. He tried to block out every thought, every not existent emotion, every memory, every anything. And then he tried to fill his mind with light stuff, funny things, some jokes and some harmless tour details. This stuff would be the basis for the interview so that he wouldn’t have to say anything personal. That had been his trick since the beginning of ‘One Direction’ but nowadays it wasn’t just helpful – it was an absolute necessity. Louis pressed his hands on his eyelids and gritted his teeth. Why was he such a mess? Why couldn’t he just enjoy everything like his four band members did? It wasn’t that Louis didn’t like being in a band and being on tour. He was really glad that he had these opportunities. But somehow he couldn’t be happy. Somehow he got worse and worse. He didn’t know why and when it started. All he knew was that he wasn’t right and that every day became harder and harder for him.

 

Louis only sat there for a few moments but nevertheless he began to tremble. He tugged at his sleeves so that only his knuckles were left to be seen. After a few more minutes his breath came harder and he had to stand up to stop his thoughts and to force his lungs to work properly again. Then it hit him that the interview was probably due now and he hurried inside the building. Half the way to their dressing room he saw Niall and Liam standing in a hall talking while Liam pressed a phone to his ear. Just then Louis’ phone began to vibrate and the two boys turned to see Louis. Niall’s face immediately lit up and he chuckled as if Louis made some awesome joke. Liam frowned while putting his phone in his jeans pocket and began a tirade about how Louis always got lost when they had a meeting or other liabilities.

 

Louis raised his hands as if he wanted to physically stop Liam, and reminded himself that it was probably typical for him to roll the eyes. So he did.

 

“Yeah, yeah, sorry man. I’m here, alright? What’s the matter?”

 

“The matter is that-“ But Louis just walked past them and into the crowded dressing room. He heard Liam cursing but didn’t pay any attention. He had to steel himself. There were a lot of people and there was Harry. He had to play his role really good. So he put on a big smile and hoped that nobody would notice that it didn’t reach his eyes. He was welcomed by a bunch of voices from people he knew and other he didn’t knew and he didn’t respond to any of them. Lou pushed him into a chair and immediately began to fiddle in his hair. Louis noticed that she was angry with him. She murmured the whole time and he only heard words like “disaster… wash… why… never…” It wasn’t until then that Louis realized he forgot to wash his hair since… well it was due a few days now. He let Lou do her job and leaned back. He decided that he could as well use the time and close his eyes for a bit when he accidentally stared right into a pair of green piercing eyes in the mirror. Shit. He wasn’t able to look away promptly and he felt as if Harry was looking deep inside his soul and mind and heart. But he didn’t want Harry to know, so he dropped his glance and then closed his eyes tightly.

 

His mind was racing but there wasn’t a single thought he could point out. He felt a really strong pain in his chest but he knew it wasn’t something physically. He knew no doctor would find something wrong on or in his body. So he tried to will the ache away. But it wasn’t working. It was never working but he would try it again and again. Discretely he looped his arms around his middle and pressed tightly.

 

When there were no hands in his hair anymore he opened his eyes and blinked due to the bright light. Some people left the room. Louis checked who was left and there were only Liam, Niall, Harry, Zayn and four crew members who helped them get dressed up. And again he saw Harry and his fierce stare. Louis cleared his throat softly and tried a small smile to ensure Harry that everything was fine. He could see the curly lad breathe out heavily and twitching his lip. Louis wasn’t sure if he tried a smile but in that case it didn’t really reach his lips. But Louis knew Harry so he guessed that he attempted a smile but was too worried to actually smile.

 

In that moment someone nearly shouted in his ear something about getting dressed as soon as possible. So he did. There was a small voice in his head that told him that Louis Tomlinson wasn’t usually someone who simply did what he was told. But Louis knew that it was much easier to follow instructions when he wanted to be left alone. He remembered a time when he wouldn’t do anything he was told to and would do everything that he was warned not to do. That was a long time ago.

 

The interview went on without any problems except two times when Louis didn’t catch the question he was asked, because his thoughts lead him to a dark place. Other than that it was a normal interview with normal questions and normal chatting. Maybe it was a bit boring. Louis knew that it was his turn to make a funny face or something like that but he was just so exhausted. People drew him out these days and he hoped that the end of this interview was near. They had the rest of the day off so Louis wanted to disappear as soon as possible. He wasn’t sure yet where he wanted to go but everything was better than being here surrounded by lots of people. Liam invented that the five of them would spend the free time together but Louis didn’t have it in him. He wouldn’t respond when Liam asked them so probably they expected Louis to come along. Well, he could just say that he didn’t feel well and is maybe having a headache. But instead of going to the hotel he would go somewhere else. Anywhere else. He knew he could just go to his hotel room. He would be alone there too but he had the feeling that he wouldn’t be safe there. Safe from himself. He didn’t trust himself anymore.

 

When the interview was finally over he headed over to a car and got into it. It wasn’t until then that his friends asked with confused expression if he didn’t want to come along. So Louis mumbled his excuse about headaches and told the driver to start the engine. Before they could set off Harry leaned to Louis window.

 

“Lou, come on, what is wrong?” he asked with a hushed tone.

 

“I told you, I’ve got headaches. I just wanna go to the hotel and take a nap. You guys have fun!”

 

“Okay, but if you want to go outside or join us or anything just call me, yeah? Or I can stay with you in the hotel so you aren’t alone. It’s okay. I don’t want you to be all alone when you don’t feel well.”

 

“No Harry! Just go with them! I’m going to be asleep as soon as I get there. Really. Drink a pint for me.”

 

“Right. I see you later, I guess.” With that he reluctantly straightened up and the car set off. Louis opened the window and closed his eyes while the wind blew his hair around his face. It was always so difficult with Harry. He would see so much. Much more than anybody else would. And Louis hat to try so much harder when Harry was around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay thrilled for the next chapter. :) You will get to know where Louis is going to...  
> I'm so happy to see that some people read this and even liked it. So keep telling me what you think about my fic pleaseee! Much love!!!


	3. Chapter 3

When the car stopped Louis opened his eyes, thanked the driver and got out of the car. He stood in front of their hotel. It was a pretty building, most likely with an awesome suite and bath. But that wouldn’t lure Louis right then. He made a few steps towards the entry and when the car disappeared behind a corner he turned around and walked in the opposite direction of the hotel. He didn’t know the town; he didn’t even know the name of the town. But that wouldn’t bother him. Eventually he had a phone and money and he could call a driver anytime. To be fair, those thoughts weren’t really prior in is mind. Actually he didn’t care what could happen when he was alone in a foreign town. Maybe he even felt a hint of satisfaction considering the possible danger he could get into.

 

He walked around through a lot of streets but didn’t look up. He had pulled his hoodie over his head and burrowed his hands deep into his pockets. His eyes wouldn’t leave his vans and like that he walked and walked and walked. It was only afternoon but it was a cloudy day and it was much darker than it should be at this time of the day. At first there were a lot of people on the streets, shopping, laughing and chatting. People with briefcases and dogs and bags and little children. Who strolled down the mall or rushed pass him or stopped for a chat with acquaintances. There were so many different people. But Louis felt so wrong here. He felt so out of place. He wasn’t like them. And he knew they would agree with him. So he walked down quieter streets. And as time flew by there were less people around. When the voices vanished completely Louis raised his head and noticed that he had entered an industrial area. There were big buildings hidden behind metal fences and massive walls. It was very quiet in that area and Louis felt a deep relief. That was what he needed! He continued to walk along the streets and took deep breaths.

 

He jumped when suddenly his phone vibrated. He’d got a message from Harry. Of course. Louis knew what he would read if he opened the text, so he decided against it. He simply turned his phone off to avoid other texts and calls. It was dark when the streets he walked on got busier. There were houses now and small pubs and clubs and shops. Louis got into a grocery store and didn’t even know what on earth he wanted there, when he stopped in front of the liquor. He took a bottle he knew and went to pay for it before he got out in the night again and continued his walk. Sometime he heard the sound of waves and when he turned the corner he abruptly stood on a cliff and looked at the wild ocean. It was beautiful how the waves raged powerfully in this cool dark night. How strong it was! Louis was enchanted by this sight. Slowly he sat down on a small rock and pulled his hoodie tighter around his small frame. Then, absentmindedly, he opened the bottle he just brought and took a deep sip. The liquid burned in his throat when he swallowed and he felt an odd but at the same time familiar warmth in his stomach. He took another sip and then another and enjoyed that gorgeousness in front of him. It was pretty cold, he didn’t wear very thick clothes. But he tried to ignore it. The liquor warmed him up a little and he couldn’t care less about a possible cold.

 

Louis didn’t know how long he was sitting there. Well, that happened frequently lately but right now it was different. He knew he was drunk. Pretty drunk. Maybe he even fell asleep at one point, Louis wasn’t sure. He was cold and his bum hurt from the hard rock he sat on. He was uncomfortable and felt all of a sudden incredibly lonely. It wasn’t a rarity that he felt that way but now it hit him so hard that he pressed his palm against his stomach to try and tone down the sudden pain. A raw sound escaped through his lips and after a few seconds he realized that it was a sob. God! A sob! He was a guy! Actually he was a grown man, he couldn’t just sit here all alone and sob like a baby. He needed to get away. So he stood up. Well, not right away. It took him a few attempts but finally he stood more or less straight and slowly began to walk back to the streets where some people walked home or to the next club. Some were drunk like Louis and rested on benches or the sidewalk. Then there were some groups who laughed and smoked in front of a club. Louis ignored them all and tried to walk as straight as possible. That was really no child’s play and soon we got very tired. He was cold and sleepy and he just wanted to lie in a comfortable and warm bed. He wanted to be in his luxury hotel room and snuggle into those soft sheets. But how could he get there? And where even was he? Of course, he could have turned on his phone and called a driver. They could out a trace on his phone. Or he could simply call Harry. He would take care of everything. But Louis was drunk and his brain couldn’t handle his dead phone. His brain couldn’t handle anything of what was going on around him. The only thing he saw clearly was a big flashing sign above what seemed to be a very popular club. Outside there were standing people who tried to get inside or were just hanging around to get a breath of fresh air. He deemed a few people were looking at him but he wasn’t sure and he was too exhausted to care. He just wanted to go home.

 

Louis hoped, when he only walked straight ahead he would eventually approve the hotel, but probably he went around in a circuit. When he finally wanted to give up and sit down on the sidewalk, there was suddenly a hand on his arm. Slowly Louis turned his head and stared blankly at that hand on his upper arm.

 

“Hello there!”, a foreign voice spoke, “What are you doin’ here all alone, huh? Did you get lost, babe?” Louis now stared in the face of a man. He was much taller than Louis and smiled at him. But the smile was neither friendly nor concerned. It was a smile that didn’t reach the eyes. It was the smile of a wolf that cornered the lamb. Louis instinctively took a step back. His heartbeat sped up and he tried to turn around and run away. But of course the man was faster. There was laughter around him. Obviously the man wasn’t on his own. He’d got friends with him and Louis was encircled by them. Their faces seemed excited. Some of them looked angry and some of them had a lustful expression. One of them was grabbing their crotch. Louis swallowed thickly and took another step back.

 

“Shh shh, baby, where do you wanna go? I thought you would like to have some fun with us. What do you think?” Before Louis could answer or even think about an answer the man had grabbed his waist pulled him into his massive body. Or maybe he wasn’t that massive, but Louis was pretty small and the danger that emanated from the man let him seem to be broader.

 

“Actually I don’t care what you think. I wanna have some fun with you and I will have it.” He put his hands on Louis bum and pulled him even closer into his hardening crotch. “Fuck, yeah, I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phheeeew... okay, that was chapter 3. I hope you (still) enjoy this story. Then tell me please. And tell me, what you don't like, as well!
> 
> Love to you all!


	4. Chapter 4

Harry would lose. He knew he would. Normally he wasn’t that bad at bowling but today was different. He wasn’t really there. His mind was with Louis the whole time. Louis was sick. Or at least he wasn’t well and Harry could barely stand to be here with his friends and play bowling while Louis was in the hotel, all alone and sick. But it wasn’t just the headaches which Louis spoke of. Something was off about Louis lately. Well, it wasn’t just lately. Louis wasn’t the same for a while now. Harry couldn’t figure out what changed or what happened but it was clear that Louis was not right. He was always so distant and quiet. He wouldn’t talk or laugh or joke or be his usual self. Now Harry barely saw him anymore. Either he was asleep or god knew where.

 

“Mate, it’s your turn. You’re gonna lose, you know that, right?” Niall laughed and padded Harry’s shoulder. When the latter didn’t respond, the blond lad softened his voice.

 

“Hey, Haz, everything alright?” Harry sighed and shook his head.

 

“No, not really. It’s Louis. I’m worried.” There was a collective sigh to be heard and Zayn and Liam sat down on the other end of the bench.

 

“Look mate, we spoke about that”, Liam answered, “We agreed that he’s just stressed. Soon he can go home and everything will be fine.” Harry knew Liam well. He knew that his tone should soothe Harry. But Harry had a really good insight in human nature and knew that Liam indeed was worried, too. But he didn’t want to intensify Harry’s concern. Of course, Harry was the youngest out of the five of them. But in reality he was the most mature one. He was emotional, yes, maybe even too sensitive, but normally he was right when he was worried. And he simply KNEW that Louis wasn’t right at all. It didn’t help that Louis was withdrawing himself more and more from Harry.

 

“Sorry guys, I can’t continue with that. I can’t be bowling with you when Louis is alone and I know that there’s something wrong with him. And there is. I know it. I know him.”

 

Zayn and Liam changed a look.

 

“Maybe you should just call him. You will see, everything is alright”, Zayn said.

 

“Right…”, Harry mumbled while taking his phone and searching for Louis’ name. He didn’t think about that opportunity. But it didn’t really matter because Louis’ phone was off and Harry lowered his hand.

 

“What now?”, he asked a lot louder now due to his increasing concern.

 

“Well, you could call Paul. I know that he is in the hotel. I convinced him to stay there and not to come with us. He needed a free night”, Zayn suggested. So Harry did. Paul assured him to call, when he had talked to Louis. They had to wait five minutes. And another five minutes.

 

“Why isn’t he calling?”, Niall asked, now worried, too.

 

“Something is wrong,” Harry began to intensely kneading his fingers. “Something is definitely not right. I told you! I knew it! Oh god, what if something happened to him? What if-“

 

“Stop it, Harry! We don’t know if something is wrong. Maybe Paul is just talking to Louis. Or he forgot to call. Keep calm, okay?”, Liam interrupted Harry. But his eyebrows were a thick line and it was obvious how worried he really was. After that nobody said anything at all. They were silent for a few minutes when Harry’s phone rang and they all startled at that sound.

 

“Paul? What is w-“, Harry rushed as soon as the phone touched his ear.

 

“Louis is been missing. I was-“ But Harry didn’t listen any longer. He lowered his hand and stared blankly, mouth open. Liam immediately took the phone and demanded to know what was going on.

 

So Paul reported: “Louis isn’t in his room. I asked around but nobody saw him there. Then I called his driver who said that Louis got out of the car right in front of the hotel. He even saw him going towards the hotel. I already called the whole security team- Wait a second.” They heard mumbled voices. Then Paul was back on the phone. “The hotel crew hadn’t seen him, as well. He never got into the hotel obviously. His phone is off. We have no idea where he is.”

 

 

 

 

The way back to the hotel seemed to be endless. Harry nibbled on his nails and stared out of the window without seeing anything. He was so incredibly worried he couldn’t even form a sentence. His thoughts went from ‘God, where is he?’ and ‘What happened to him?’ to ‘I will never forgive myself if something happened to him!’ and ‘I will kill whoever might laid a finger on him!’ Since Paul brought them the news about Louis’ disappearance, they all had experienced every stage of emotion. They were so worried that they were even closer to each other than they would normally. The four of them sat squished next to each other on the backseat of the van. Zayn was even holding Harry’s hand. They all loved Louis and couldn’t stand this helplessness. But they knew that it was much worse for Harry. Harry and Louis were always closer than the rest of them and the other three boys were perfectly fine with it. They knew that the two had a special relationship which they had never really understood completely. As a result they weren’t just worried about Louis – they were worried about Harry, as well.

 

The car ride was silent. Everybody was busy with coordinating their own thoughts. When they finally got to the hotel they hurried up the stairs towards their suites. In Louis’ suite they met Paul and a whole bunch of security men.

 

“Anything new?”, Liam asked promptly. Paul shook his head and said: “No. His phone is still off and there are no hints where he could possibly be.”

 

“Let’s consider every possible scenario.”, one of the unknown men said.

 

“Well”, Niall began, “he could have decided that he wanted a nice walk instead of a nap to soothe his headaches.”

 

“Every big hotel has a park. He knows that he can’t just go out on his own.”, Paul disagreed.

 

“Then maybe he wanted a pint or something to eat..?”, Niall continued.

 

“There is a restaurant and bar in the hotel”, Liam responded. Niall gave up and sat down on the floor because every chair was taken.

 

Another security man spoke: “Well, there’s still the possibility than he got kidnapped-“

 

“No!” “STOP!” “He can’t-“ The shouts of Zayn, Niall, Liam and Harry chimed together.

 

“Okay, we want to consider every possibility and that is one. But nobody knows our whereabouts so we assume that he went somewhere on his own.”, Paul said with a stressed expression. It was obvious that he was worried about Louis as well. Most of the time he was more of a nanny for the lads than anything else and he loved them all.

 

“But where is he then?”, someone asked quietly into the silence that followed.

 

“Haz”, Zayn approached Harry, “Mate, you know him better than anyone. Can’t you imagine where he’d been gone?” He wiped a tear from the younger lad’s cheek. Harry sniffed.

 

“I- I don’t know where he is. But I’d bet he wanted to be alone. I think he needed a place where nobody would find him. Where he could maybe block everything out.” Harry’s voice was more a raspy murmur.

 

“Okay, so maybe he walked somewhere. What is near the hotel where he could possibly have been heading to?”, Paul asked.

 

“The mall is a few streets from here. But it’s busy there so if he wanted to be alone I can’t imagine that he really went there. Then there is 15 minutes away a park. But it’s a bit hidden and he doesn’t know the town so…”, someone mentioned.

 

They considered every more or less odd possibility for nearly an hour. Then someone had the idea to go on Twitter. Maybe someone had seen Louis. So Louis’ four band members sat with their eyes glued to their phone screens and scrolled through millions of tweets. They found nothing until-

 

“Here!”, Niall shouted, “A girl thinks that she had seen him. She writes he wore a dark hoodie and didn’t respond when she called for him.”

 

“And where?”, Paul asked incisive.

 

“She just mentions the name of the town nothing else.”

 

“Well, he IS wearing a hoodie, right? Haz?”, Liam asked.

 

“Yeah, his favourite dark blue hoodie with the contrasting seams”, Harry answered automatically and stood up. “Let’s go!”, he continued, “We need to find him.”

 

“But where should we search?”, Liam replied.

 

“I don’t know! I don’t care! But we can’t just sit here and do nothing! Maybe he is in danger, maybe he is terrified or desperate or maybe he calls for help and nobody hears him! We need to GO!”, Harry ranted.

 

“I know, Haz, but as long as we don’t have a hint, we can’t just go and search.”, Zayn tried to reassure him.

 

“Oh my god!”, Liam yelled, “Someone took a pic of him. Here! It’s definitely him!”

 

“Show me!” Harry grasped Liam’s phone before anyone could even answer. “Yeah, that’s him! Oh god, oh god, what now?”, he asked desperately. Then Paul took over.

 

“Okay, we need to find out, when and where the photo was taken. It was uploaded four minutes ago, right?” Paul looked questioningly at Liam who took his phone back from Harry.

 

“Right- Wait! She answered another fan that she saw him around one hour ago but she won’t tell the place because that wouldn’t be nice.” He pulled at his hair in frustration.

 

“Look, Li”, Zayn said, “She uploaded another pic.”

 

“Let me see it!”, a tall security man said, “I know the town maybe I recognize where the photo was taken.” Liam handed him the phone and they all stared intensely into the man’s face. Then he went:

 

“I know where he is! That club in the background is very popular. It is a fair way off. Let’s go.” Before he even finished Harry, Niall, Zayn and Liam were already out of the room. Paul followed close behind them.

 

“Wait, guys, it’s better you wait here. We don’t want you to get lost, too!”

 

“No way”, Liam answered, “We’ll come with you. He is our brother!” Paul knew he had no chance and just shook his head before he ran after them. Back in the car there was an emotionally charged atmosphere. Harry was so nervous, he thought that his heart might jump out of his chest. The pic of Lou in the dark foreign street was burned into his mind. Louis with his hoodie on his head. How he had his head bowed and the mouth a little bit open. He seemed to walk but his feet were placed a bit strange. He was alone and his eyes stared blankly into the darkness. Harry shivered. Then he felt a warm hand on top of his knee and turned to look at Liam who seemed to be much calmer now that they knew where Louis was. Or at least they knew where he was an hour ago. Perhaps they had a place to begin their search but Louis could be anywhere by now. When they approached the street where the photo was taken, they scanned every centimetre through the car windows. But there was no Louis. The streets were mostly empty by now so that they had an easy job to sweep them for their friend. Niall tried to call Louis again but still had no success. They drove around in the neighbourhood, when suddenly Harry’s heart dropped into his gut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii loves!  
> I'm so glad that you like my fic and read it and comment and give Kudos!! I'm really so happy about it! I thought that no one would like it or even read it.  
> I love you all!!! xxx


	5. Chapter 5

“No! Leave me alone!” Louis’ voice barely obeyed him. Not only that he was drunk, he was so frightened that his knees began to tremble.

 

“Oho, it can speak”, the man said and earned laughter from his friends. “I’d say we go somewhere a bit quieter. What do you think?” He wrapped a strong arm around Louis’ middle and pulled the shorter boy with him. Some of his friends followed them. Even though they were a smaller group now, Louis knew that he couldn’t fight against them. He tried to slip from the tight grip and wriggled but the man just took Louis’ left hand. Now Louis wasn’t able to move anywhere but with the man. They turned some corners while Louis tried to think about how he could escape from them. But the only thoughts in his mind were ‘Why me?’ ‘What will they do to me?’ ‘Will they kill me?’ ‘Or maybe they…’ ‘No, no-no-no-no-no-no-no!’ ‘Please – NO!’

 

Then Louis was pressed against a high wall. The collision let him huff and gasp.

 

“So, baby, now we’re a bit more… undisturbed.” The mouth of the man was way too near for Louis’ liking. The man stroked his thumb over Louis cheek and pressed his broad body against the smaller ones. Louis could feel hot breath that wasn’t his own and tried to turn his head away from it. But another hand hold is head in place and then the man pressed his mouth against Louis’. The panic in Louis swelled up now and he wriggled and tried to scream. But the noise was swallowed by the mouth that started to explore Louis’ mouth. He had a sudden feeling of nausea. ‘No’, he thought, ‘that couldn’t really happen right now!’ Louis felt so helpless, so weak and he was so incredibly disgusted by the man, the situation and by himself. He felt the hands of the man everywhere and tried to push them away. But his own hands were squished between their bodies and he wasn’t able to move an inch. When the hands settled onto his bum again and squeezed it, the man started to grind into Louis. Every logical thought in Louis’ mind was erased and he was filled with sheer panic and desperation. His whimpers and sobs mixed with the animalistic moans of the man. The tears in Louis’ eyes spilled over and he felt so unbelievably exposed. A hand slipped under Louis shirt to feel skin before it was lowered to feel Louis’ bare bum. Eventually Louis got to turn his head away and the man’s mouth immediately found its way down Louis’ neck. Louis’ eyes were wide open and he searched the street for help. But there were only the man’s friends, leaning against the wall opposite of Louis. He had no energy to face what they were doing. Instead he closed his eyes and hoped a miracle would happen. Or that he could simply die. He was okay with the second option, as well.

 

A really hard trust hit him when he felt a single finger lowering on his bum and nearing to a really private area. Louis squeaked in defence and struggled harder than before in the arms of that disgusting man. The latter buried his fingers deep in Louis’ hair and pulled hard, so that Louis’ head bend backwards. Then the man pressed Louis’ right cheek against the wall and started again searching for Louis’ entrée. The rough stone wall cut into Louis’ cheek and his knees began to give in.

 

In that moment he was blinded by a bright light and had to shut his eyes tightly. Another sob escaped his mouth when he heard a loud and angry:

 

“NO! Go away from him!”

 

Harry! It was Harry! Before Louis could feel relieved, he heard different loud noises like the swearing of the man’s friends and some squeaking of wheels. Then the man gripped Louis’ arms and tossed the smaller boy to the floor. Louis fell hard against the asphalt and stayed there, face down. He heard how the men ran away down the street and other feet running towards his lying frame. They were calling his name. He recognised Liam’s voice, Niall’s, Zayn’s, and Paul’s. And above them all there was Harry’s Voice. Maybe it was louder and more desperate than the other voices, or Louis simply minded that voice a whole lot more. Maybe there were other voices as well, but Louis didn’t care. When he felt a hand on his shoulder and a heavy body sinking down next to his, he pulled his legs up to his stomach and curled up into a little ball of Louis.

 

“Louis-Louis-Louis, oh god, Louis, god.” Harry’s hand flew all over him and then settled on his back and on top of his head where long fingers softly stroked Louis’ forehead.

 

“Louis! Are you hurt? Lou, please tell me if they hurt you!” Louis kept his eyes closed. There were still tears leaking out through his eyelashes and he tried to hold them in. Slowly he shook his head. He couldn’t move his head that much because he was still lying on the floor, but Harry still understood.

 

“Okay, okay. We’re bringing you away from here, yeah? They’re away now, you’re safe. You listen, Boo? I’ve got you. And I’m so sorry that I wasn’t here earlier. I-“

 

“Stop it, Haz”, Zayn said quietly, “we need to get him away from here.”

 

“First we need to find those assholes and kill them”, Liam growled and turned to run after the men.

 

“No, stop! They’re away now anyway. We need to take care of Lou now”, Zayn responded while gripping Liam’s arm.

 

“Lou, do you need to go to the hospital?”, Harry asked with a low voice. Again Louis shook his head.

 

“Talk to me, please. Say something, Lou”. Harry’s voice was filled with worry, Louis noticed. But there was something else. Something Louis barely ever heard on Harry. It was anger. Deep, burning anger.

 

“No”, Louis responded “Please go away. All of you.” His voice was more of a whisper but he was sure they heard him.

 

“No, we’re going nowhere, Louis.” That was Zayn. All attempts to hold back the tears vanished and quiet sobs escaped Louis quivering lips. He pressed his hands against his face to hide himself from the eyes of his friends. He was so ashamed! He had never felt worse than right now. There was the noise of removing feet and then it was silent. Louis still felt the warmth of two hands.

 

“Shh, it’s okay, Boo. Shh, you’re safe now. Don’t be scared. No one’s going to hurt you anymore. I won’t let them.” Harry’s deep familiar voice soothed Louis and the smaller one needed to feel more of Harry’s warmth. He took his hands off his face and held them out towards Harry like a baby that wanted to be picked up. Harry immediately helped Louis to sit up a bit and pulled him into his chest. Louis felt those long arms around his body and heard Harry’s heartbeat under his ear. Finally he felt safe. Harry would protect him.

 

While Louis cried quietly in Harry’s protective arms, the younger one whispered soft and soothing words into Louis’ ears. Louis’ hands rested weakly onto Harry’s chest that raised and lowered steadily which helped Louis to calm down. When no more sobs were to be heard, Harry took his large hand off Louis’ head and helped him to sit up a bit.

 

“Are you sure, you don’t need a doctor?”, Harry asked carefully. Louis sniffed and shook his head, firmer this time.

 

“Alright. Then I’m going to bring you to the hotel now, yeah?” Louis nodded.

 

“Come here, Boo.” Harry steadied Louis while he shakily stood up and never let go of him. When he noticed that Louis was trembling, he asked:

 

“Are you cold?” Before Louis could answer he got out of his jacket and placed it around Louis shoulders. Then he put an arm around Louis’ waist, who seemed to be smaller than ever while he clung to Harry’s side. They approached at the car and Louis noticed that the lads had obviously gotten into it already. Harry opened the door, helped him get in and followed soon after. Louis instantly snuggled under Harry’s arm, partly hid his face from his friends who sat next to and in front of him. Again Harry held him close and let his fingers draw circles onto Louis’ back.

 

The car ride was silent. Nobody said a word as if they were waiting for Louis to tell them what happened. ‘Probably that’s indeed the truth’, Louis thought. But Louis didn’t want to tell what happened. Actually he hadn’t the strength to tell, as well. All he could do was staring blankly into a crease of Harry’s shirt and holding his arms tightly around his stomach. All he wanted was to get into his hotel room, snuggle into the blanket and forget everything. He wanted to be alone – but at the same time he never wanted to get out of Harry’s warm embrace.

 

Louis could sense their glances but he tried to ignore them. He couldn’t look his friends in the eyes. Actually they were more of brothers than friends but that made it even worse. He felt bare and stained and so, so ashamed. So he closed his eyes and tried to blend it all out. After a while they began to whisper.

 

“Is he asleep?”

 

“I don’t now, it seems as if.”

 

“Lou? Boo bear, are you awake?” Louis couldn’t answer. He felt the exhaustion pulling him into sleep.

 

“Do you smell that? Is he drunk?”

 

“I guess so. Or do you think it is from, you know-“

 

“No. I think it’s him.”

 

“Did he say anything, Haz?” Maybe Harry gestured something; Louis heard no response.

 

“Shouldn’t we bring him to the hospital?”

 

“He said he wasn’t hurt.”

 

“But maybe-“

 

“No”, Louis said weakly and raised his head to look into Harry’s eyes. “Please, Hazza. I want to go home. Or the hotel. Please.” Harry’s gaze softened and he placed Louis’ head against his chest again.

 

“Of course, Lou. Of course we’re going to the hotel”, he murmured. Then Louis felt something soft pressing against his head and closed his eyes again.

 

 

 

 

There were footsteps to be heard and then a light was colouring Louis’ eyelids red. Slowly he opened his eyes and was confused at first, because there was a steady up and down but he wasn’t walking.

 

“It’s okay, Boo. You can go back to sleep.” That was Harry’s voice, right above Louis’ head. OH, he was carrying him. He was carrying him like a baby or a girl! But Louis was tired.

 

“That’s right. Sleep, Lou. You’re safe now. I’ve got you”, Harry’s voice was low and deep and so warm. Louis could feel Harry’s chest vibrating while he was speaking. Good, Harry was there! He snuggled deeper into the large jacket Harry gave him and relaxed a bit.

 

 

 

 

Next time he woke up, there was a soft mattress under him. Someone tried to take Harry’s jacket off of Louis.

 

“No!”, Louis croaked. His voice was raspy due to the sleep and maybe to the liquor he drank earlier.

 

“Shh. I won’t hurt you! I just want to take off that jacket, alright?”

 

“No!” Louis didn’t want to give it away. It was warm and it smelled nice. Like Harry. The very one sighed and pulled the blanket up to Louis’ chin. When he turned around in order to leave the room, Louis suddenly felt very vulnerable. Since that man was gone there was the whole time Harry to hold him and to take care of him. He had felt safe when Harry put his arms around Louis and when he was so close. The whole time Louis wanted to be alone. And that’s exactly what he wanted now. But more than that he wanted to be safe, to be looked after, to be loved.

 

“Hazza, please don’t go!”

 

“Huh?” Harry turned around.

 

“Can you- maybe you could- Would you stay with me, Hazza? Please?” Louis voice was so small. He was a bit embarrassed and felt very weak. Harry rushed towards the bed instantly.

 

“Sure, I will! I will stay the whole night if you want!” Louis nodded and the younger lad sat down next to Louis, straightened the blanket and stroked a strand of hair out of Louis’ eyes. Them he smiled lovingly at the curled up boy.

 

Louis voice was barely a whisper, when he asked: “Can you hold me?” Without answering Harry pulled the blanket away and lied down next to his best friend. Then he opened his arms and held the still slightly trembling boy tightly against his chest. Louis snuggled even closer into this welcomed embrace. Before he could fall asleep he breathed a soft “Thank you!” As a response Harry gave him a light kiss on the forehead and continued to draw circles on his back until the boy in his arms was fast asleep. Maybe even afterwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, Louis is safe now, but we still don't know how he will act in the morning.   
> I'm so exited to write this fic and to see that so many people are reading it. Wow, I'm a bit overwhelmed. :)


	6. Chapter 6

It was a hard night for Louis. Every now and then he would wake up and be confused about where he was. It wasn’t like he dreamt about what happened. In his dreams there was no man who threated to hurt him. He didn’t have pictures in his head at all. But there were feelings like despair and anxiety, and that horrible feeling of not being safe. Every time he woke up Harry was there. He would whisper softly into Louis’ ear and would rock him back and forth until Louis was calm again and could fall asleep. Sometimes Louis felt as if it was a dream that those warm arms encircled him and those green eyes were always there when he looked up. It felt so good to know that he was not alone! He wasn’t used to share his bed, or even to be so close to another person. Of course he and Harry were inseparable back in the days of the X-Factor and the month after that. But one day something changed. One day they wouldn’t sleep in the same bed anymore and they wouldn’t sit nearly in each other’s laps while watching TV. Since then Louis was always alone. He owned a house in London where he lived on his own, and even though he had friends and still met Harry a lot it wasn’t like before. He wasn’t that hands on anymore and kept even his closest friends at distance. He didn’t explain himself but it became common knowledge that he simply grew up and was a man now. Men just didn’t cuddle with their friends. They had mates to joke with. Louis was a grown man now. He even had a beard – or maybe just stubble.

 

That stubble was what Louis was looking at for a good five minutes now. He was standing in the generous bathroom that had golden tap ware and was for Louis’ linking way too snobbish. He was staring in the body length mirror and inspected his chin. Sure, he was a grown man! He was 22, for god’s sake! He didn’t need a babysitter, he didn’t need a protector, and he surely did not need someone to hold him so he could sleep! Louis frowned and pressed his small lips tightly together. No, he definitely didn’t need any of that. He could take care for himself. And he should have taken care of that situation yesterday. Maybe the men were in superior numbers but Louis should have been fighting them to save himself. The only thing he did was whimpering and sobbing like a baby. There was only one man holding him! He should have hit him and run away. But no, he needed all of his friends and bodyguards and even his tour manager to get the man away from him. Plus he needed Harry to carry him into bed and to even sleep with him. And for what? The only thing that happened yesterday was a man that had kissed and touched him against his will. It wasn’t like he beat the shit out of Louis or literally raped him. He didn’t even undress him or something like that. So why had he felt so weak, so vulnerable? He was a man! He should behave like one, too!

 

So Louis turned away and stepped right out of the bathroom and into his bedroom – where he stopped dead when two big green eyes were piercing him.

 

“Lou! Hey, how are you? I mean, of course you aren’t well, but I mean-“

 

“I’m fine”, Louis interrupted him and let his voice sound loud and strong. “I was about to go to the restaurant to get some breakfast. I’m starving. So – I see you later, I guess.” With that he made a beeline for the door to get out of the suit.

 

“Wait!”, Harry answered confused. He frowned deeply and got out of the bed to step in front of Louis. “What-“ He sighed. “Lou, are you alright? You know, you can talk to me.”

 

“I said I’m fine! I’m sorry for yesterday. I was drunk, so… Anyways, I need to eat.” He clapped his hands and stormed out of the suit and into the lift where he leaned against the mirror and closed his eyes. He felt like a thief on the run and needed to take deep breaths to calm down. When he got to the ground floor, he walked right towards the restaurant. He was indeed very hungry and hoped he could get some blueberry pancakes. Just when he wanted to open the glass door he caught a glimpse at some familiar black hair and immediately closed the door. It was Zayn’s head that stroke his eye. He was sitting with Liam and some crew members at a big table. Louis guessed that Niall was still asleep. Louis walked back and searched for an empty room. When he found one that looked like a room for meetings, he sat down for a moment and considered his options. He could go right into the restaurant, sit next to his friends and eat pancakes. That would make the perfect solution. Of course they would be confused like Harry but he would be over it. Another option was to go back into his room and have the room service bring him some pancakes. But Harry was probably still there so that option dropped out. He could leave the hotel and risk to have a repeat of yesterday or he could stay here and hope nobody found him. But what about his empty stomach? Just in that moment there was a loud growling to be heard. He shrugged. He would survive it. He grabbed his phone and checked his messages. There were a lot missed calls and texts from yesterday next to some texts from his family. He didn’t want to answer them now. He would do it later! Then he scrolled a bit through his twitter and put the phone away when he saw pictures of him strolling through the streets of that unknown town. He shivered and blocked out those thoughts. He said there a while longer when he heard some familiar voices behind the closed door.

 

“Hey guys. Have you seen Louis? He wanted some breakfast.”

 

“No, he isn’t here. We just came out of the restaurant.”

 

Shit. Louis needed to do something. Otherwise there would arise a collective panic. He couldn’t disappear the second day in a row.

 

“WHAT?” That was Harry. And he sure as hell was already panicking. “What do you mean, he isn’t here? Where is he then?” Louis reacted instantly. He pressed his phone against his ear, put a smile on and opened the door.

 

“Yeah, call me when you get there, Stan! And thank you for your call, mate. – Alright, see ya!” He lowered his phone and raised his glace to see three pairs of wide opened eyes staring at him.

 

“Oh, uh, hi!”, Louis said nonchalantly. Then there was silence.

 

“So – what’s up?” Still silence.

 

Then Zayn coughed inconvenient and said: “We- um- you know we just met Harry here. He was looking for you. So – you’re alright then?” He spoke the last part much softer.

 

“Sure, man!” Louis put on his biggest smile. “I think it’s time to leave now, right?” With that Harry found his words again.

 

“I think you should eat first. You said you’re starving and after what had happened… You really should get something to eat!”

 

When Louis wanted to respond, Paul neared them quickly and said:

 

“Actually we really need to go now. You now this radio interview starts in a bit and we don’t want to be late.” Then he turned to Louis and asked: “Are you alright, Louis?” Again Louis affirmed.

 

“It’s okay, if you don’t want to go to the interview. Everyone would understand.”

 

“Of course I’m coming with you! Stop exaggerating! I’m totally fine. Let’s go now!” With that he strode ahead and left flabbergasted faces behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I think the next chapter will be better. At least I hope it. :)
> 
> Btw I want to thank all of you for reading my fic and for commenting and giving Kudos! I really appreciate this and I'm so happy you like it!
> 
> Love you all xx


	7. Chapter 7

It was so hard. Every damn single day was so hard. It was a struggle since the moment Louis had to wake up until the glorious moment when he could close the curtain of his bus bunk or the door to his very own hotel room. Well, it was a struggle even then actually. Even the nights, when Louis was finally asleep weren’t a real relief. The sleep wouldn’t come. Louis would lay there either in his bunk or in his comfortable bed and wait for the sleep to come. But sometimes he had to wait hours on end until he could escape into a world that wasn’t reality. You would think that those worlds were a relief for Louis. But the truth is that even his dreams were dark, foggy places – cold and deserted. Even at those imagined places Louis would feel lonely. And when he woke up there was just an even worse world that waited for him – reality.

 

 

He played a role for weeks now but since the horrible night when he got lost and drunk it was much harder. Before that incident the lads had been convinced that he was fine. Well, Harry wasn’t one to fool but it had worked. Now all five of them were constantly worried about him. They talked to him like he was an invalid – lowly and soft – and when he entered a room, they would instantly be silent. It was a nightmare. Louis played his role pretty good, yet they wouldn’t go back to normal.

 

 

One time Louis was already in his bunk to try and sleep when he got thirsty. He drank some water in their little bus kitchen and heard his mates talking. Sure, he knew they were still up. They always were. Louis couldn’t sleep so he thought he could go to them and maybe play some FIFA with them. Maybe that way they would be convinced that Louis was fine. So he opened the thin door and stepped into a truly terrible situation. They were all sitting on the floor of that small room. Zayn and Niall were holding Harry in their arms while Liam padded Zayn’s back, stroked Niall’s head and gave Harry a tissue – all at the same time. And Harry was crying. Around them lay nearly thirty wadded tissues.

 

 

Louis stood there, still holding the door, mouth open and was very, very confused. Without thinking he said: “What the actual fuck are you doin’?” The four boys startled and turned towards Louis with wide opened eyes and an expression like they were caught in act.

 

 

“Lou! Oh, um, you know, it’s, uhhh…”, Liam began and looked around into the faces of his three friends.

 

 

“Look, you can go back to sleep, really!”, Zayn said, “Sorry if we woke you up!” Then he remembered something: “But you are alright, right? Or is something wrong, Lou?” Louis still couldn’t answer. With his mouth still hanging open, he continued to stare. What was going on in there?

 

 

Harry sniffed and looked up at Louis. A fresh tear made their way down his cheek. Louis frowned and was about to ask if Harry was hurt or what else made him cry so hard. He already hated whoever was responsible for that. But Harry was quicker to say:

 

 

“It’s okay, Lou. Everything’s fine. Zayn’s right, you can go back to sleep. I’m going to bed now, as well.” He stood up and walked past Louis towards the bus bunks. Then there was silence.

 

 

“Could someone please explain me, what’s going on?”, Louis finally ranted.

 

 

“Look, it’s nothing, really. Don’t worry-“

 

 

“Stop it! No lies! I’m not dumb, you know!”, Louis interrupted Liam.

 

 

“Fine!”, Liam responded angry, “What about that: He’s crying his eyes out because of you? What about that, huh?”

 

 

“What do you mean – because of me? What have I done?”, Louis asked alarmed.

 

 

“Well, you’re not alright! We all know it, but you won’t talk about it! You constantly pretending to be alright, but you won’t let us in. You’re distancing yourself from us and we are all worried. That’s why Harry is crying!”

 

 

“That’s not true, I AM fine. I don’t know what you want from me! Why can’t you treat me like you used to? That’s so shitty!” Louis was about to turn around but Liam grabbed his arm to stop him from going. Louis winced and tried to shake Liam’s arm off.

 

 

“Don’t run away, Lou! Talk to us!” He grabbed Louis shoulders now instead of his arm and shook him lightly. Louis stopped struggling because he was distracted with holding his arm softly in his hand.

 

 

“Li, calm down, please”, Zayn tried to soothe, “there’s no need to get rough, alright?” Liam let go of Louis immediately.

 

 

“You’re right. I’m sorry, Lou! I’m so sorry.” Louis just nodded and stroked his arm absentmindedly.

 

 

“May I give you a hug, mate?”, Liam asked carefully. Again Louis nodded and was then hugged tightly. It was his first hug since the night Harry spent with him. The first hug – the first touch from another human being even. Louis trembled slightly. It’s was odd how his body seemed to ache for this kind of loving gesture.

 

 

“Come ‘ere”, Liam spoke softly and pulled Louis onto the sofa. He saw Zayn looking at Niall and then they both left the room. Liam still had his arm around Louis’ shoulders and stroked continuously his upper arm.

 

 

“You see, Lou, we are just really, really worried. We love you so much, you know that. We want you to be happy and we want to be on your side and help you as much as possible.” Louis wouldn’t look his friend in the eyes. He knew he had to play his role again – maybe now more than ever – but he felt weak. He was so tired of this all.

 

 

“Maybe, if you would tell us about that one night-“

 

 

“No. I don’t want to. It doesn’t matter. Nothing really happened. It’s okay, I’m over it.” And maybe that bit was the truth for once. Of course Louis still had to think about what happened to him in that dark street. But it wasn’t like that man raped him or something else. Yes, it was horrible and yes, he still had some nightmares about it. He still felt exposed and ashamed and yes, he didn’t feel that comfortable with men around him. But he could cope with that. It was now just one dark spot in the endless gruesome universe that was Louis’ mind.

 

 

“You’re sure about that?”, Liam asked softly and earned a firm nod. “But still, you’re not right, Lou. It’s pretty obvious.” With that Louis stood up quickly.

 

 

“No. I am. I AM fine! And now I want to go to bed. I’m tired.” He rushed out of the room and left an alienated Liam behind him. He got into the small bathroom, sat onto the floor and tried to hold himself together, to bring himself back to earth again. He couldn’t quite describe that feeling that was dominating him nowadays. He felt weightless, but not in a positive way. He felt as if nothing grounded him, there was nothing that would stop him from drifting away. There was no anchor that tied him. It was so hard to not just let himself drift away, waft into nothingness. It was just so hard. He had no strength in him anymore.

 

 

Maybe Louis sat there for an hour or maybe it was three hours. But eventually he sneaked back into his bunk. There was silence. The lights were off but he could sense that nobody was asleep. He didn’t even hear someone tipping on his phone but he simply knew they were all awake. Maybe they were waiting for him to go to bed or maybe they just couldn’t sleep. Maybe it was both.

 

 

That whole night wouldn’t help to make it all easier for Louis. But at least they knew now that Louis wasn’t still so shattered about that almost-rape. Louis was sure that Liam told the other boys about their conversation. He wasn’t angry. Why should he? The band was a team. Maybe Louis didn’t belong to the team at the moment but he knew the other four wanted him back. But that was not possible right now. He would have to be honest with them, but he couldn’t because he didn’t want to hurt them and especially Harry. He couldn’t tell them how empty he felt. How tired he was of it all. How he wouldn’t know how to survive every single day. So he stayed on his own. All alone.

 

 

He still was alone when they finally went back to the UK to have their break. In the plane there was an excited atmosphere. They were all happy to get to see their families and couldn’t wait for their own bed. That thrill of anticipation even beware Louis from their constant worry. So he simply sat in one chair and had his headphones on. The most of the time he hadn’t to talk, he even got to get some sleep. He was so happy about the break because finally he could have his alone time. Finally he wouldn’t have to pretend to be alright all the time. That’s why he wouldn’t go to Doncaster. At least not yet. He really needed to be on his own for a while. Of course he missed his family but his mum saw so much and he didn’t want to have her worrying about him, too. Plus his sisters were a handful and he would have no minute to himself. He had no strength left inside him so he needed to stay alone for a while.

 

 

When their destination was near, someone put his warm hand atop his arm. He flinched, pulled his arm away and turned to see who it was. It was Harry. Of course. He sighed and put his arm back onto the arm rest. Harry smiled at him warmly and Louis took off his headphones.

 

 

“Hey”, Harry said. Louis just tried a smile as a response. “Long flight, huh?”, Harry continued.

 

 

“Yeah, pretty long.” Silence. “Sooo, umm. What’s up?”

 

 

“Nothing. I just wanted to talk to you since we won’t see each other a while. I mean. It’s not that long and we can still meet but – you know, I will miss you.” The last part was spoken much lower and softer and Louis lowered his gaze. It startled him a bit that his heart made a particular firm beat. Lately his body always just functioned evenly without any anomaly. But everything was different when Harry was with him. He gulped and said very, very quietly:

 

 

“I’ll miss you too, Haz.” And he meant it. That was the hardest part of the break. To know Harry so far away and not to see him every day. Sure, Louis avoided him, but he still had been able to throw subtle glances at him. Even though he didn’t speak to Harry or was near him, he still felt that incredible and at the same time odd warmth radiating from his friend. The warmth of him had been nearly overwhelming when Louis spent a whole night in Harry’s arms. That warmth was strong enough to let his heart melt a bit, and to let his stomach flutter a bit – like little flames, not butterflies of course! And now he had to survive day by day with that warmth. Louis didn’t know how that could possibly work out. And there was not just that warmth of Harry that would be missed by Louis dearly. It was just – Harry! Every little thing about this ridiculous boy was something Louis would miss. And he was ridiculous! Harry had so many different sides on him that the most people wouldn’t see. But Louis knew. He knew Harry. And there was no side that would stir his discontent. There would never be anything Louis didn’t like on Harry. That was simply not possible! So, yeah, he would miss Harry and there was no way he could lie about that fundamental truth.

 

 

Louis’ response made Harry’s sweet smile grow, so that his famous dimples appeared. His eyes were sparkling and Louis knew that little confession made the younger lad impossibly happy. And that made Louis happy. He couldn’t look away from those dimples. Sure, altogether he had spent hours viewing them, but they would never fail to enchant him. Every time he saw them he had that crazy urge to put his fingers into one dimple – the one that was a bit deeper than the other. And that was what he did many years ago. Right now his finger tingled in anticipation. But Louis wouldn’t allow them that joy.

 

 

“I bet Jay and the girls are so excited to see you. It’s been a while”, Harry finally said. The dimple was still there. Louis’ heart was still as lively as never before.

 

 

“I guess they are. Dunno when I’ll meet them, though”, Louis said – more towards that dimple.

 

 

“What do you mean?” A frown grew on Harry’s forehead and the dimple disappeared. Much to Louis’ dislike. “Aren’t you going home?”

 

 

“Umm, no, actually I’m gonna stay in London for now.” Louis had no excuse to still stare onto Harry’s oral region, so he dropped his glance towards his own hands. They were quiet interesting too, because he didn’t know yet that he was kneading his fingers pretty intensely. As soon as he noticed, he stopped and pressed them together tightly.

 

 

“But why? Normally you would visit your mom any chance you’d get.” Harry was still frowning deeply.

 

 

“Yeah, I need to do some things and like, you know, the usual.”

 

 

“No, actually I do not know, Lou. Can I help you with anything? Do you need me?”

 

 

“No! No!”, Louis hurriedly answered. He didn’t want to be a burden for Harry. That was how he felt every time. But he also needed time alone and as much as he craved Harry’s warmth, he really needed that break from constantly playing a role. “I’m fine. You go home and have some quality time with your family! There’s so much I need to do. I think I’ll never be at home.” Harry didn’t seem to be convinced by that. But instead of arguing he just asked:

 

 

“But you will call me, right? I will hear from you, yeah? Promise me that, Boo?” Louis flinched. Harry had a way to say this nickname that made goose bumps emerge on Louis arms. Louis closed his eyes a few moments. He felt a sudden tightness in his throat.

 

 

“’Course. Yeah.” He didn’t accomplish anything else. I was too much suddenly. Harry – he was too much. When he was near Louis like right now, he controlled every thought of Louis, every heartbeat, every breath, every move of his fingers, every sound and every word. He was everywhere. He was everything. And that was too much. It was too much for Louis to handle. It was magnificent.

 

 

 

 

When the plane landed the boys said their goodbyes. Of course Louis got four tight hugs. He tried to escape from that goodbye scene because firstly he didn’t like goodbyes and secondly he was so emptied that he could barely make a blank expression. He really, really needed to get away soon. So he sat in his taxi in no time. The drive towards his house didn’t take long and then he stepped into his home. Slowly he closed the door. There was silence. So much silence. It nearly roared in his ears. That was what he wanted. And it hit him like a truck, rolled above him and drowned him in a wave of ice cold water that penetrated his ears, his eyes and his mouth. It washed through him and he felt like he was swirling around in a powerful drift that made him disorientated. It filled his lungs and he wasn’t able to breathe. There was just not enough oxygen entering his respiratory system. Instead there was just cold, heavy water. He was drowning. Drowning into unknown depths. Although there was suddenly hard ground beneath his knees and hands, he didn’t know where up and down was. He didn’t even know his own name. And maybe that wasn’t even necessary anymore. Because there was no Louis anymore. That small, pathetic creature on the floor, that couldn’t breathe and felt like drowning wasn’t worth a name. And it surely had no resemblance to the real Louis Tomlinson. It was nothing. And that was where he would go now. Into nothingness. And he didn’t even care about that.


	8. Chapter 8

Everything felt unreal. There were some noises. But they were so quiet, maybe they weren’t even real. Then there was some dust swirling in a small sunbeam that peeked through a gap of the curtains. They were meant to keep out every bit of sunlight. But a small beam found a way to peek into the dark room. Maybe it would be gone in a few minutes. But for these few minutes the dust showed its beauty in every way possible. It was a little dance of tiny particles of the universe. They danced in various movements through a faint rainbow and showed very subtly the eternity of the universe that they contained. They swirled fast but at the same time very slowly and that was the part that demonstrated you that there was no time in the endlessness. And there seemed to be no time in that dark room as well. The curtains were closed but you could see that it was a bit brighter some time and then it went dark again. But other than that there was no hint of time. At first there had been a continuously ticking clock. A clock that seemed to tick life away. But now it rested in broken pieces on the floor. Now it wasn’t ticking anymore – it was dead. Silent and peaceful and dead.

 

 

Oh, what Louis would give to be that beautifully destroyed clock! Not to be in one piece and to look workable while actually being a deserted battlefield. Not to fail every time when wanting to work properly. Not putting up a mask to hide the real brokenness that was his life. Yeah, Louis would really like to be that shattered clock. Well, there were indeed some similarities. Louis as well lay just there. Not on the floor but the much more comfortable bed. But Louis didn’t notice that. He just lay there and didn’t move. Not much at least. Right now he simply stared at the stardust that was luring him what greatness there was in the universe and that he could see it when he’d leave the earth.

 

 

Louis closed his dry eyes. He left them open for too long again. That would happen sometimes when he just stared into thin air without moving and thinking. Because that’s what he mostly did. Since he arrived at his house in London he didn’t leave his bed much. He didn’t know how many days exactly went by but the room was painted in darkness a few times. Very seldom he would get out of bed to go to the loo and drink some water. But mostly he just lay there.

 

 

Louis startled when his phone vibrated – again. He ignored it – again. Instead of answering it he pressed his arms tighter around his middle and curled up even more. He opened his eyed and let out a shaky breath. That was his life now. Wow. It was so pathetic! He didn’t want to lay there like a forgotten cuddly toy. He wanted to go out and explore and live and laugh and feel alive and free! But he was hurting so much! Even though this pain just existed in his mind, it tied him down onto the bed. He wanted to scream but he had no strength for that.

 

 

When the phone vibrated three more times, he decided to get out of the bed. He didn’t know where he should go but postponed that decision to later. So he stood up very slowly and made his way down the hall. When he arrived there his feet were leading him towards the bathroom. Because: Where else should he go? There he spend what felt like hours while trying to ground himself again, to get some control again. Of course he failed like always but at least he had to try and he tried very frequently.

 

 

When he got back to bed it was dark again and his phone showed another incoming call. Then there was silence before he got a text. Louis decided to read that one. Why not? It wasn’t like he was too busy for that. Maybe it would even distract himself from drowning. It said: ‘Lou, I’m so worried, please answer my calls! I wrote at least 30 texts to you in the past hours. Why aren’t you answering???? Please Boo!!’ The older texts sounded nearly the same: Harry was worried, he wanted to know if everything was alright and demanded that Louis answered his calls. Some texts were angry, some very concerned. There were texts and a few calls from others like his mother and Niall as well. But the very most of them were from Harry. Of course.

 

 

Louis wanted to answer him, to convince him that everything was fine. But – what exactly should he write? That he was busy? But with doing what? And then Louis wasn’t even sure if he really wanted to lie to Harry again. He was hiding everything at the moment – that came very near to a lie. So maybe it wasn’t that ridiculous that he wanted to tell the truth when it came to other things. He didn’t want to lie, when it wasn’t necessary. That would only strengthen his self-hatred. So he tried to formulate an answer that was neither a lie nor the truth. In order to the impossibility of that hours went by without a complete text for Harry.

 

 

And then there was a knock at the front door.

 

 

 

 

Harry couldn’t think straight. Sure, it was just five days ago when he watched Louis getting into the taxi that would bring him to his house. Harry should be able to survive five days without hearing from Louis. But he couldn’t. He just knew that something was wrong. Well, it was obvious that Louis wasn’t alright, but in addition to that Harry had a feeling that it was very, very wrong to know Louis all alone in his house. Harry couldn’t tone down his worry. It was omnipresent.

 

 

That was why he was now standing in front of the said boy’s door and slammed his fists against it. When Louis hadn’t answered a single text or call from him, Harry had jumped into his car without thinking and speeded down the roads.

 

 

“Come on, Lou! Open the fucking door!”, he mumbled while knocking. It wasn’t usual for him to swear but, well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Then he remembered the doorbell and ringed and knocked similarly. When nobody opened the door, Harry began to yell:

 

 

“Lou! Open the door! Come on, I’m not going to leave before I got to see you! Lou!” Nothing happened. Harry then took out his phone and typed another text: ‘LOU! OPEN THE DOOR! NOW! OTHERWISE I’LL BREAK IT!!’ Then he continued knocking and ringing and yelling. When he was about to jump against the door, he heard softly padding feet nearing the door. He instantly stopped every action and just asked:

 

 

“Lou? Are you there? Please, please open the door! I beg you! I need to know if you’re okay! Please!” Someone coughed lowly behind the door and then Louis said with a very raspy and soft voice:

 

 

“I’m fine, Haz. You can go home. I wanna sleep.”

 

 

“No! Stop it! Open the god damn door or I’ll break it! I mean it! You have five seconds before I-“ In that moment the lock clicked and the door opened really slowly and only a tad.

 

 

“I said, I’m fine.” But he didn’t look fine. Harry’s mouth gaped open when he saw how pale his dearest friend was. There were dark shadows beneath his former sparkling eyes that now seemed dead. Louis’ hair was tangled like he didn’t wash or comb it for days. And Harry KNEW he needed him.

 

“God, Boo! I’m so sorry that I wasn’t here before!” He pushed the door open and stepped in. With that Louis backed off and lowered his glance towards the floor.

 

 

“No, you’re fine, Harry. I am fine. Everything is fine. I’m just tired. You really ca-“

 

 

“Boo! Why are you doing this? I can tell that you are not fine! Please, talk to me!”, Harry interrupted. Harry didn’t understand any bit of this. Louis looked so pale, so lifeless. His shoulders were sunk in and Harry had the feeling that it was the same shirt Louis was wearing like the one Harry saw on him at the airport. And why wouldn’t he talk about whatever was going on in his head? Harry again stepped up to Louis in order to vanquish the distance that had been growing between them. But Louis seemed to have no intention in that. He made some steps backwards again. In a sudden wave of desperation Harry grabbed Louis forearm to hold him in place, to pull him closer, to somehow get access to the small boy that he cared so much for. But when he touched Louis’ arm he let out a small cry and tried to pull away again but Harry’s grip wouldn’t loosen. He was confused, why would Louis cry out like that? Harry’s grip was firm but it couldn’t really hurt. His glance lowered instinctively towards the boys arm in his hand and then he gasped.

 

 

The shirt beneath his fingers was soaked in blood.

 

 

 

 

In retrospect the last hours since Harry grabbed his arm were a single blur in Louis head. He remembered how he flinched away when he felt that burning where Harry’s large hands pressed against his arm. He saw that shocked expression on the taller one’s normally relaxed face. In horror Louis lowered his glance as well, although he already knew what Harry must have seen. And of course he was right. Of course there were large dark drops all over the shirt that he had pulled down over his hands as a matter of prudence.

 

 

Louis remembered how he was frozen on the spot. He wanted to snatch away his arm to try and hide it and to maybe run away from Harry and his in shock widely opened eyes. But he wasn’t able to. Instead he watched how Harry pulled up his bloody sleeve. He watched when Harry’s eyes filled with tears and he still watched when they were falling down his face. The face that Louis knew so well and that he never ever wanted to look so hurt. And now it did and it was Louis’ fault.

 

 

Louis remembered how Harry’s mouth was moving. Probably forming words that didn’t reach his ears. Harry’s eyes how they then pierced Louis’ petrified ones. But Louis still couldn’t do or say anything. So Harry dragged him into the kitchen. Louis offered no resistance. He still didn’t know why. He didn’t want Harry to see, he didn’t want him to know. But maybe now that he knew, he could just go with it. Why denying? Why struggling? Still? If Louis was honest to himself it felt good somehow. Just a tiny bit. It felt good to just let go. To let Harry see, to let him take over and not to be alone anymore. So he let himself be dragged into the kitchen where Harry taped the wounds. Louis watched again and felt his inner numbness crack with every cut that was cared for by Harry. And it scared him. What else was left when the numbness was gone? What would he feel? How would everything proceed? But there were still Harry’s hands very carefully touching Louis’ arm. So Louis concentrated on these constant movements. After a while his whole forearm was wounded in gauze – and with that Harry’s hands stopped moving. And Louis’ mind was racing.

 

 

“Boo! Do you hear me? Please say something!!” Harry’s voice was so pleadingly, so very softly and thick with tears. Tears? Was he still crying? Quickly Louis looked up to meet his glance. Yes, there were indeed more tears swimming in those green eyes. But despite the tears and the soft voice Harry seemed more angry and content than broken. He didn’t seem as if he needed someone to hold him. He probably looked stronger than ever. And somehow that was what made Louis form an answer.

 

 

“I don’t know what to say”, he let out truthfully. He didn’t know. What were you supposed to say when your favourite person on earth discovered that you were hurting yourself? What in the world could you say to make that better? To make them not leave you about this?

 

 

“What about, why you are doing this? What about, why you didn’t tell me about that? Or since when do you do it? Start with any of these, but please tell me WHY!”, Harry’s voice got more and more powerful. He was angry, that was obvious. But there were still tears and Harry’s grip at Louis’ arm was very gentle. He was angry with Louis and he wanted to know why that was happening. Why Louis had done this. But how to explain? How to start? How to put everything in words?

 

 

“Lou! Come on, tell me! I want to you to fucking tell me why you are doing this to yourself! Why? WHY?” And then something broke in Louis.

 

 

“BECAUSE IT HELPED, OKAY??”, he yelled. And now, that he started there were suddenly words and they wanted out so desperately. He didn’t even know them but he let them out nevertheless: “Because it was my anchor, because it was my only possibility to try and not to drift away. There’s only darkness and numbness and I’m drowning. I’m drowning so fast and I can’t breathe and there is nothing I can hold on to. I don’t know what to do! I just, I, I, What can I do?? Everything is floating away and I don’t even know why. And doing this, slicing my skin open does help me. Maybe I feel a bit more alive when the blood is pouring out of me. Maybe I feel a bit more real. Maybe I feel just SOMETHING when I do it. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want it to stop, but it won’t stop. I don’t know what to do, I, god! Please, Hazza, please, please make it stop! Please help me!”

 

 

When the tears spilled over while he was somewhere in the middle of his monologue, he was now sobbing. He felt so unbelievably empty and cold and alone and he felt as if the world was too heavy for him. His life was too heavy – and his knees gave away to that weight. He was crying so hard – he didn’t remember the last time he cried like that. Not even in the night when the man had touched him and tried to hurt him had he cried so hard. That right now was a different pain. A pain he never knew could exist. Sure, he had felt bad for a very long time now. But somehow he had blocked his thoughts and feelings out. Maybe this way he had protected himself. But now everything was there. Louis felt so intensely now and he felt as if he had to die. Before he fell onto the floor Harry was there to hold him again. Somehow they got to the sofa in the living room. Perhaps Harry had carried Louis again – Louis couldn’t tell. There were so many tears, so many sobs that wanted out of him. And he let them. He had no strength to hold them back, like he did usually. While he was crying, Harry held him again in his warm embrace. He pressed Louis against his chest and let him curl up under his arms. He spoke soothing words even though Louis wouldn’t understand them. He heard Harry’s voice though. And that was comforting as well. Louis cried a long time. But at some point there were no more tears to come. The pain wouldn’t leave his heart though.

 

 

Now Louis was just breathing. Harry was still holding him and whispering and drawing unknown pattern on his back. His large hands flew all over Louis’ shoulders, his head, through his hair, along his arms and only settled for a short time to warm up the spot beneath them. Louis was still curled into a small ball and held onto Harry’s plaid shirt for dear life. He concentrated on deep breaths and on those warm hands all over his body. He was so exhausted! He couldn’t believe he said all those things out loud. And now Harry knew it. He knew how Louis felt and how he was so tired of this, how he needed to hurt himself to just feel alive for a moment, to just survive the day until the next one dawned.

 

 

But Harry didn’t say anything. After that outburst from Louis you could think that he would have something to say. That he would ask Louis how come that he felt that way or since when he felt that way. But Harry stayed silent. Except of those small whispers that left his mouth every now and then. He stayed silent – and Louis was so grateful for that. He wasn’t sure if he could have stood this. But Harry obviously knew that. He knew Louis. Louis was never one for many words when it came to feelings. He didn’t like to expose himself so much. In order to that Harry simply held him and let him calm down, let him recollect himself.

 

 

When they sat like that in the dark living room, Louis could sense that something had changed. It wasn’t only the fact that Harry was in the know now. There was something else. Maybe something changed in Louis. Or something between the two of them. Maybe there was now a very, very tiny spark of hope that now glowed deep down in Louis and waited to have reason to grow stronger. But there was something else that had changed – or maybe it was the same:

 

 

Louis was not alone anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so Harry knows now... I'm not axactly sure how to move on from here, so please be patient with me.  
> Anyways, thank you guys so much for reading this story and giving me feedback! I never could have imagined that a person would actually like what I wrote. xxx


	9. Chapter 9

Harry stayed there on the sofa for hours. He had Louis curled up in his lap and wouldn’t stop to stoke softly over every inch of Louis he could reach. He would stroke hair out of the smaller boy’s eyes and some tears away. He would press his cheek against that soft caramel hair – or sometimes his lips would take its place. Louis had his bandaged arm hidden somewhere in that little ball that he made of himself. But Harry didn’t need to literally see the arm. It was tattooed on his eyelids. Not just the arm covered in gauze, but also the arm brightly red, over and over with cuts. There were so many of them. Of course, only some of them were bleeding. Next to them were lots of older scars that were either bright red or pale and faded. Harry knew what that meant. That meant that Louis was hurting himself a long time now. Long enough for the older cuts to be healed already. To be nothing more than some pale lines on the tanned skin of this wonderful boy.

 

 

The picture wouldn’t leave Harry’s mind. Even if he closed his eyes he still saw the blood pouring out of the wounds Louis had made by himself. HE HIMSELF had sliced his skin open. HE HIMSELF had held the blade. HE had hurt HIMSELF! Harry wanted to hate everyone and everything that hurt his Louis so desperately. But Louis did it himself! What was Harry supposed to do now? He could never ever hate this boy in his lap! There was no way! So instead he decided to hate whatever caused Louis to do such a horrible thing. Well, he didn’t know what exactly that was, but he hoped he would get to know. Sooner or later Louis WOULD talk to him. That was what Harry promised to himself.

 

 

He let his hand caress the feathery hair he liked to touch so much and then pressed his lips softly into the tangled strands. Louis let out a shaky breath. So he wasn’t asleep yet. Harry knew it was definitely wrong to make Louis talk about everything. So he just asked:

 

 

“Are you tired, Boo? Do you want to go to bed?” Louis nodded against his chest. “Do you want me to carry you upstairs?” Louis hesitated. Harry could tell that the smaller boy just didn’t want to admit that he actually would like that.

 

 

“It’s alright, love, I’ll carry you. No worries.” When he shut his mouth it suddenly dawned on him, that he just called Louis “love”. Oh! That wasn’t supposed to happen. Well he had a lot of pet names for Louis but he only used them in his mind. He felt Louis freeze in his lap for a moment. Then he relaxed and pressed his nose tighter against Harry’s chest. Harry exhaled relieved due to the fact that Louis’ reaction wasn’t hostile and immediately put his arm under Louis’ knees. He lifted him up like a baby and turned towards the hallway. Louis slowly lifted his arms and put them around Harry’s neck. He wouldn’t look up but Harry’s glimpse wouldn’t leave his face. He watched how those long eyelashes casted long shadows above his cheeks whenever Louis blinked. And that only let Harry hold this boy tighter and the wish to never let go of him grew constantly inside him. He wanted to help Louis. He wanted to protect him and to look after him and to never leave his side.

 

 

Inside the bedroom Harry put Louis onto the mattress, stroked his cheek and said:

 

 

“I will stay here with you for the night.” He knew he probably should have asked for Louis’ agreement, but he knew that Louis needed him and besides that, he wasn’t even sure if he was physically able to leave the room right now. It seemed impossible. So he lay down next to Louis who had instantly curled up. His back was facing Harry. Harry stared a while longer onto the small shoulders that were pulled up. Then he sighed noiseless and moved closer towards Louis’ lying frame. He then placed a hand delicately onto his shoulder in an unspoken question. After a silent moment Louis slowly turned his head back without really meeting Harry’s glimpse. He lowered his shoulders seemingly in relaxation and with a guilty expression he made a barely noticeable move towards Harry. That was enough of a hint for Harry and he pulled him over and closed his arms around him. Louis wouldn’t raise his glimpse but he seemed to be comfortable in Harry’s arms considering his relaxed muscles. Some minutes went by until Louis suddenly put his right hand over Harry’s heart and opened his mouth. There was a moment where no sound came out but after a soft cough Louis said:

 

 

“I-I’m so sorry.” His mouth stayed open a while longer as if he wanted to say more but there were simply no words. Harry protectively cupped his head in his hand and answered:

 

 

“Shh, we’ll talk tomorrow, alright? I’m here, Boo. You can sleep now. I won’t leave.” With that Louis let out a breath he seemingly had been holding in and nodded.

 

 

 

 

Harry wouldn’t close an eye during the rest of the night. He couldn’t. There was so much going on in his head. Firstly, there was still the picture of Louis’ arm in his mind and how there was blood and the fact that Louis was HURTING HIMSELF. He told him how he felt and that was so absolutely terrible that Harry didn’t know what to do about it. How to help him? How to make him feel better? Also he needed to find out what he actually should do and say in the morning in order that Louis would not hide behind a wall again. But then there was also the simple and at the same time amazing fact that Louis was lying in his arms. Again. Louis in his arms. Louis curled up against his chest. Louis’ head inside Harry’s hand. Louis’ hair beneath Harry’s nose. If the situation wasn’t so horrendous he would be so happy to lie there with this boy in his arms. He would be so happy to be near him, to be able to hold him tight. Harry felt as if this was what he was born for. Holding this boy. Being there for this boy. It was just that Louis always attracted Harry like a magnet. Like the sun that was necessary to even live. Louis had always been the sun for Harry and probably for everyone that hat the luck to get to know him. Louis was like a human sun. Well, someday he became more of the moon though. He was still bright and important. But now he wasn’t overflowing with light anymore. Instead he became quiet and a bit mysterious. Nevertheless he was still beautiful. He was still the very one thing that was always present in Harry’s mind. And now he was lying in his arms. And all Harry wanted to do was protect him from the world, protect him from himself. He wanted to look after Louis so badly.

 

 

When the sun was high in the sky Harry was still awake. Louis had been falling asleep some hours ago when Harry had been singing lowly for him. He wasn’t sure if Louis even heard that. But maybe it helped him to fall asleep so it was the right thing to do. While the smaller boy was sleeping Harry watched over him. Well, there wasn’t really something inside the room that would have threated to hurt Louis or something like that. But Harry took care of everything that could have made Louis lose sleep. He pulled the blanket back up when it slid down and he stroked strands of hair out of his face. When the room got brighter Harry eyed his surroundings. Of course he knew the house and every room in it. But it was a bit different now. There was a shattered clock on the floor. But other than that the room seemed unoccupied. That was unusual. Everyone knew that Louis was messy. His room usually looked pretty chaotic. There used to be shirts and pants everywhere. The floor used to be covered by almost everything the boy owned. Now there was nothing. No clothes, no hairbrushes and beanies, no magazines and no shoes. The floor was empty except for the poor clock. It nearly looked like a hotel room. That was really odd considering it was Louis’ room!

 

 

At some point Harry decided to make some breakfast. Louis needed to eat something in order to the possibility that he hadn’t eaten a while. So Harry carefully got out of bed and made sure Louis was still fast asleep. Then he went to the kitchen and searched for some ingredients. Luckily he found what he needed and soon he was cooking some pancakes. He knew Louis loved them. When the last pancake roasted in the pan, Harry heard a soft “Hazza?” from the hallway.

 

 

“I’m here, Lou!”, he answered. A second later Louis’ bare feet padded around the corner and into the kitchen. He lingered near the door and fiddled with his fingers. He still had the clothes from days ago on. As soon as Harry took sight of him he turned around and switched off the oven.

 

 

“Hey there”, Harry said and tried to bring Louis out of his shell by putting on a sweet smile. Louis twitched his lips as a response, but you couldn’t really call it a smile. He looked so lost and small how he stood there in the doorway with a ducked head and seemingly cold feet. Harry opened his arms at that sight and said:

 

 

“Come here, love. Let me hug you!” And Louis stepped up to him without a second of faltering. He wouldn’t put his arms around Harry though – he left it to the taller one to initiate the embrace. So Harry did and was really relieved about Louis’ agreement. He had been afraid that Louis would shut down again. But it seemed as if Louis would let Harry stay there, now that he already kicked the walls in.

 

 

“Hmmmm, you’re a really good hugger, you know?” That was just the truth. Harry loved to hug Louis. He loved how he felt in his arms. Louis looked up immediately when he heard those words with a slightly confused and asking expression. Harry saw those blue eyes full of question marks and couldn’t help but giggle a bit. The small frown on Louis’ face disappeared and instead he showed a careful smile. A real smile this time. There was even a hint of crinkles by his eyes. God, how Harry loved those crinkles. Harry’s expression went really soft and sweet and he had a hard time in containing himself and not swirl Louis around. A second later Louis lowered his head again and began to nibble at his bottom lip. Oh right! There was still something they needed to talk about! Harry hit his forehead mentally. But there were other things that needed to be done as well and Harry had a feeling that it was the best to have Louis as comfortable as possible before they would talk.

 

 

“Look, I made you pancakes! And I really hope you’ll eat a whole bunch of them.” He placed Louis into a chair at the breakfast table and put the pancakes and two plates in front of him. Then he sat down next to him. Hesitantly Louis took a pancake and said to Harry:

 

 

“Thank you. I mean, for the pancakes… but for everything else as well. You know, um, I… It’s just that-“

 

 

“It’s fine. What about we eat those pancakes and then you take a bath and put on some fresh clothes and afterwards we will talk a bit, alright?” Louis nodded.

 

 

“That’s, yeah, I think that’s alright.” So they both took their cutlery and began to eat. Chances were that the pancakes tasted very good – Harry was a dab hand when it came to pancakes. Especially blueberry pancakes. They were Louis’ favourite.

 

 

When they had finished and only a few pancakes were left over Harry was adamant to run a bath for Louis. Of course that led to some reluctant comments of Louis.  

 

 

“Harry, I’m very well able to make that myself. You don’t need to-“ But by that Harry already let the water in. Louis sighed a bit annoyed but Harry guessed that he was maybe just a bit embarrassed. Louis normally liked to show that he didn’t need help. But there was no audience right now and Harry wanted to take care for Louis a bit. So he left the bathroom and made his way through the house to clean up a bit.

 

 

 

 

Louis let out a deep breath. He was alone in the bathroom now and realized that the morning went by pretty smooth. He didn’t know what he had expected and of course there was a conversation waiting for him but Harry was so nice to him! He made him breakfast and was sweet and hugged him. He seemed to be neither disgusted nor angry. He hadn’t yelled at him or expostulated. And he hadn’t left. He was still there and he was so, so gentle. Maybe he indeed WAS disgusted and maybe he DID want to leave but for now he was still there and when Louis had looked him into the eyes he had seen nothing but utter sympathy and care and maybe love. Of course not THAT kind of love!

 

 

Louis undressed and got into the bathtub. It was a bit difficult because he still had his arm in gauze and tried not to make it wet. So he let the arm hang out over the edge of the bathtub and leaned back. When he felt his muscles relax he closed his eyes and exhaled deeply. He was still so exhausted! Now probably more than when he had been on tour. Well, it was a different kind of exhaustion though. On tour he had to play that role of a confident, content, strong and independent Louis. Since he was alone in his house there was so much pain and so many horrible feelings. And now Harry was there and he had told him a bit and it was just so much! So much to think about, so much to deal with. And then there was still the conversation with Harry that waited for him. He had no concrete idea what Harry would ask him or say to him. Of course he could imagine some things but even for them he didn’t know an answer. But for now Louis tried to shut those thoughts out. The water was so warm and it felt so good! He felt pretty comfortable – that hadn’t happened for a long time. Well, that was only true if you won’t count those times he was with Harry.

 

 

When he had washed himself he also tried to wash his hair without soaking his bandage. It worked somehow but getting out of the bathtub with only one arm was a hard task as well. When he nearly was out he slipped and fell face down into the water. Splendid! He got out of the tub and studied his body but he hadn’t really hurt himself. But his bandage was now dripping wet. He caught at the big white towel and as soon as he had draped it around himself there was a hurried knock at the door.

 

 

“Hey, are you okay? Can I come in? I’ll come in!” Before Louis could say something Harry opened the door and stepped in. Of course he was worried again! Louis supposed his awkward fall made some noise that alarmed Harry.

 

 

“It’s okay, nothing happened! I just slipped a bit”, he quickly explained.

 

 

“Are you hurt?” He stepped closer and let his glimpse wander up and down Louis’ body even though it was covered by the towel so that he could only see fluffy fabric and feet.

 

 

“No, no!” Louis lowered his head a bit and spoke much lower: “But it’s soaked now.” He held his arm with the dripping gauze out so that Harry knew what he meant.

 

 

“Never mind! I’ll take care of that!” With that he searched for new bandage material and started to peel the wet fabric off of Louis’ arm. Louis let him without a struggle. He was never able to make such good bandages on his own and also, well it somehow was nice to have Harry taking care of him.

 

 

 

 

Harry waited in the living room while Louis put on some clothes. When he heard him coming downstairs he looked up and saw a big sweater on Louis. His hair was still wet and fell slightly into his eyes. He had his hands nearly completely hidden into his sleeves. Harry couldn’t banish the word that rushed through his mind. Cute. Louis looked so cute like that! Louis slowly sat down on the other end of the sofa. He seemed nervous in order to the promised conversation. And Harry still didn’t really know what to say or to ask. But right now was the distance between the two of them more important. Harry wouldn’t accept that just like that. He reached out his hand in a silent request and Louis understood immediately. He came closer and sat down in front of Harry, facing him. Harry took both of his hands and now they probably looked a bit weird. Both sat cross-legged and were holding hands. But there was no other person in the room, so what!

 

 

Harry looked Louis in the eyes for a moment and considered what to say and how to start. Louis was nibbling his lip again and there was a slight frown to be seen. Actually he didn’t just look nervous – he looked scared. Harry couldn’t tell what it was that Louis was scared of but he instantly tried to soothe him.

 

 

“You don’t have to be so nervous. It’s just me, alright?” No response from Louis. “Look, I, I can’t say that it didn’t shock me what you told me yesterday, but you need to know that I am here. And I will go nowhere. I’m there for you, Boo. I don’t understand what you feel and I don’t know why you feel that way, but either way I will be there for you and help you through this.” There were tears glistening in Louis’ eyes again. He swallowed and said with a cracking voice:

 

 

“Thank you, Hazza, thank you so much! And I’m s-so sorry.” The last word ended in a small sob.

 

 

“No, no, none of that! There’s no need to be sorry! Now I’m here, now I will help you and now you’re not alone in this anymore, okay?” Louis nodded with wide opened eyes. He looked so small, almost like an innocent child. That was a stark contrast to the normally loud Louis. But Harry always knew that there was this soft side somewhere hidden in this boy. And sometimes he even got to see a bit of it. He was pretty sure nobody else was ever allowed to see it. Louis never wanted to seem helpless. But now he obviously was. And Harry was more than ready to help him out. In that moment his phone was ringing. He quickly took it out and glanced onto the screen. Shit! It was Liam. He answered and said immediately:

 

 

“Sorry, not now, I’ll call you later”, and hang up. “Sorry”, he said again, “that was Liam. I called the lads before I came here in case they’d heard something from you.” Louis said nothing. But he nodded in understanding and showed no hint of being angry.

 

 

“They are worried for you as well, you know. We are all a while now. But I wonder-“ his voice got pleadingly now, “Lou, since when are you like that? I mean, why have I never noticed anything before? Or did it really started around the time I noticed you were changed?” Louis frowned now and looked down in his lap. But he seemed to try and let Harry in because he responded:

 

 

“I don’t know why you haven’t noticed something. I’m quite good at acting, I guess. I tried so hard to seem the same like before. But I wasn’t. I don’t really remember when it started. I think it came really, really slowly. Actually I can’t remember when I haven’t felt at least a tiny bit like now.”

 

 

“Oh, Boo, I’m so sorry. I can’t stand to see you hurting! I- I just want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy!” Louis’s head was still lowered and he didn’t answer as if he secretly wouldn’t agree with that. “You don’t want to talk about it anymore, am I right?” Nodding. “Okay, that’s okay. I need you to know that I’m here for you though. Whenever you feel the urge to talk then don’t ever hesitate! I care so much for you, Lou and I want to help you as much as possible.”

 

 

“Aren’t you disgusted?”, Louis asked with a barely audible and doubtfully voice.

 

 

“Never. Never ever would I be disgusted or something like that by you! What makes you think that? I think you are an amazing person. The best person I know. I thought you’d know that!”

 

 

“I can’t believe that. That’s just- that’s so ridiculous!”

 

 

“No, it’s not! You are amazing! And I will tell you every day if I must until you believe it. You are amazing! And you are so clever and funny and trustworthy and endearing and faithful and simply awesome! I don’t know how you – how anyone! – wouldn’t see that! Now come here, love!” With that he pulled at Louis’ hands and embraced him again in a tight hug. Maybe Louis was still sceptical and unbelieving. But Harry swore himself that he would do anything to make Louis see what he was worth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww 70 Kudos! That means at least 70 people like what I wrote... :) That's sooo great! Keep giving me feedback please! I appreciate every comment and Kudos! xxx


	10. Chapter 10

The day went by with watching TV, eating and soft cuddles. It was more of Harry holding Louis who somehow seemed so weak as if he wasn’t able to hold himself. They didn’t speak again of what Louis might feel or what he had said. Harry could tell that Louis wasn’t ready to and wanted to respect that. For now it was enough to just have Louis near him so that he could see or hear him and be sure he was alright. Well, of course Louis was not alright, but as alright as the circumstances allowed it. After their talk they cuddled a few minutes and then Harry suggested watching a movie. Louis agreed to that and they were considering their options on to witch film they wanted to see. Harry dominated every conversation with Louis which was something new. Normally Louis would dominate every conversation as well as every interaction in general. Right now Louis was pretty quiet. But it seemed as if he already tried to be more present. It was obvious that he let Harry in. It’s reflected in the way he would no longer pretend to be happy or just alright. Because he wasn’t. He knew Harry knew that he wasn’t alright. Maybe he wasn’t ready to reveal more details about that, although he was honest with his appearance.

 

 

“So what movie do you really want to see right now?”, Harry asked in anticipation.

 

 

“Dunno.”

 

 

“Come on, Lou. There has to be one. What about favourite movies or movies you always wanted to see or one you already saw but would like to see again?” Louis puffed out a breath and gave it a serious consideration. After a few moments he said:

 

 

“Honestly, Harry, I don’t know. I’ve got no idea. We can just watch what you want, alright?”

 

 

“Lou, please, I want you to decide. I want you to enjoy the movie. Please tell me!”

 

 

“No it’s- I really can’t decide. I, I really want to but, you know… I can’t!” Louis showed a helpless expression now and Harry began to notice that maybe Louis indeed did want to decide but maybe he couldn’t because of his emotional state. Harry had no idea what this meant or if this was common and what exactly Louis had except that he felt lonely and was constantly down. And he was a bit afraid to think about that to be honest. Harry frowned a bit and thought about what to say.

 

 

“Well, maybe I could tell you like three movies and you decide which of them to watch. What do you think?”

 

 

“Yeah, I mean, I could do that… I think”, Louis said slowly. He seemed not so sure but Harry hoped for the best.

 

 

“Okay, now I’ll tell you three. Ummm, Avatar, Frozen and uhhh… Night at the Museum. What about those? Which one do you like to see?” Harry hoped Louis really wanted to see one of them but noticed then that Frozen probably wasn’t such a good idea. Elsa wasn’t alright as well and he didn’t want to make everything worse for Louis. He looked at Louis who seemed a bit overchallenged. Harry decided to give him some time and not to pressurize him. Luckily there was still something he had to do at last. So he went:

 

 

“What about you think about that while I call Liam. I bet he’s worried by now and I promised to call him back.”

 

 

“Alright”, Louis said softly. Harry stood up and turned to walk out into the hallway so that Louis wouldn’t overhear him, when Louis suddenly spoke again: “But- you wouldn’t- I mean you won’t tell them… you know… you won’t, right?” His voice was so small and begging that Harry almost reversed and scooped the smaller one up.

 

 

“No! Of course not! If you don’t want to then I won’t tell Liam or somebody else what you told me”, Harry reassured Louis immediately.

 

 

“And what about what you have seen? You know what I mean…?” Louis was now piercing the floor with his eyes. He obviously couldn’t look into Harry’s eyes.

 

 

“I won’t tell him. I promise.” Louis looked up to see in Harry’s eyes if he even knew what Louis meant. But of course Harry knew. What else could Harry have seen that Louis wanted to keep a secret? What else than the blood that was pouring out of cuts over cuts at Louis’ arm? The pain must have shown in Harry’s eyes, because Louis nodded and turned around on the sofa. Then he said a low:

 

 

“Thank you!” Harry’s mouth stretched into a sad smile and he finally left the room to call Liam. He answered after the first ring.

 

 

“Haz! What is going on? Is he alright? Tell me everything!” He was practically yelling into the phone. That was why Harry had to hold his phone away from his ear a bit.

 

 

“Hey Li! I’m sorry that I call only now. Uhh, he is… alright, I guess. I mean we all know that he is not alright but he’s sitting on the sofa now and is deciding which movie to watch.”

 

 

“So you just showed up there yesterday and you had a nice sleepover with movies???” Harry could quite vividly picture how Liam frowned deeply so that his thick eyebrows made a single dark line above his eyes while he spoke those wryly words.

 

 

“No. It wasn’t quite like that, no.” Harry remembered now very intensely the moments after Louis opened the door and the night when Louis shed so many tears. He had to swallow thickly.

 

 

“Haz, please tell us what happened!” Us? Oh, of course the other lads were with him! But:

 

 

“I thought Niall was in Ireland?”

 

 

“Yeah, he is, but thanks to Skype he is now listening as well as Zayn. So, how is Louis?” The last question was much more pressing and Harry let out a deep breath.

 

 

“Well he didn’t want to let me inside the house. Then he did and he looked pretty awful. He wasn’t well and still isn’t. I think it’s much worse than we thought. But I’m with him now and I won’t leave until he’s better.”

 

 

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT’S WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT????”, Harry heard Niall yelling through the phone so that the distance between phone and ear immediately grew wider.

 

 

“I think that there’s a lot on his mind. A lot negative thoughts. I don’t know what in detail but I’m sure that he will need us to get better. It’s very bad. I’m scared for him.”

 

 

“So it’s really THAT bad? But I thought… the stress… and-“

 

 

“No, forget the stress! It’s something different, I don’t know and he doesn’t want to really talk about it. Yet he let me a bit in so I hope I can help him.”

 

 

“God, Louis. Our Louis! How was that even possible?” That was Zayn.

 

 

“I don’t know but all that matters is that he gets better soon, right? I’ll do my best but I think it will need some time. A lot of time.” In that moment Harry heard a soft “Hazza?” from the living room. “Alright, I gotta go, he calls for me. I’ll call you when something major happens.”

 

 

“Something major? What do you mean??”, Liam sounded alarmed.

 

 

“No, I just, I meant- you know what I mean!”

 

 

“Yeah, alright, alright, I know”, Liam quickly agreed a bit relieved. He sounded shocked just as Harry still felt. Another very soft “Hazza?” was to be heard so Harry hurried to answer:

 

 

“Yeah, love, one moment! I’ll be right with you!” A cough on the other end of the phone call brought Harry back to his conversation with Liam, Zayn and Niall.

 

 

“So, umm… ‘love’? You’re calling him that now?”, Zayn said amusedly.

 

 

“Huh? Dunno what y- I need do go now. Bye!” And with that he hung up because suddenly he became very uncomfortable and became it hotter in the hall or-? He put the phone back in his pocket and went quickly back to Louis.

 

 

“Hey, here I am. So have you decided already?” He sat down next to his friend and lay and arm behind him on the back rest.

 

 

“No. I don’t know if I even want to watch a film. I’m sorry! Maybe you watch one and I just go to bed? I’m a bit tired and I’m cold and-“

 

 

“What about we just switch on TV, I’ll make you a cup of tea and we two snuggle under a soft blanket? How does that sound, huh?”, Harry suggested and Louis looked relieved. His eyes widened a bit so that Harry could perfectly admire the pretty blue.

 

 

“Good. Yeah, I think I want that. Can we?” Harry had to smile wildly. It was so cute how Louis wanted to tell what he wanted without really telling it. As if he thought he had no right to formulate a wish. As if he was embarrassed of his wishes. He sounded like a little boy who asked his mum for a pretty doll.

 

 

“Sure, Boobear. I want that as well. More than anything to be precise. Okay, you stay here under this blanket over there while I make you a cuppa.” With that he took the fluffy light blue blanket and put it over a now less sad looking Louis. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

 

 

After Harry brewed the tea he carried it back into the living room and then switched on the TV. Louis was already curled up under the blanket and seemed as if he was ready to fall asleep. Harry smiled at that sight. He loved to see Louis so undisguised, so open and honest. He always admired that confident and loud appearance Louis used to have. But if he was honest to himself he liked the soft, quiet and helpless Louis much more. Of course he hated that Louis was hurting but it was obvious that this Louis had always been a part of Louis. And Harry somehow loved the fact that he could look after Louis. That Louis would need him maybe. Harry never knew that he wanted that until it was now right in front of him. He really, really wanted to take for Louis.

 

 

 

 

Louis would’ve never thought that this would happen one day. That he would lie there all curled up like a baby under a fluffy baby blue blanket while Harry made him some tea and then invited him for a proper cuddle. Firstly because previously Harry was such a kid! Of course he was mature in a way that he wanted family and do domestic work. Absurd! But he was so much younger and always seemed to look up to Louis. Louis always thought of him like a girl that wanted to swoon over someone. But now everything was different. The last years Harry slowly and unnoticeably grew up. He always had been tall but now he was much taller than Louis and the other lads. He got broader shoulders as well and besides that he got so much more confident and comfortable with his own quirky self. He had a sense for deep conversations and for poetry. He was now a man with so many sides on him. He wasn’t someone who needed a tower of strength. He by himself was this tower of strength and Louis now seemed to need HIM. And that was the second reason. Louis had changed. Well, obviously he had changed into a pathetic little crybaby that would slice open his skin. But other than that the loud and mischievous Louis had disappeared. He always had a quieter side on him that he used to hide behind being confident. Now he seemed to be so much more emotional and needy. He felt helpless and astonished himself by actually ENJOYING how Harry took care of him. How he actually WANTED that. How he maybe needed that.

 

 

And now exactly that was reality. Harry had crawled under the blanket and now Louis lay next to him, his head on Harry’s chest and his toes pressed against Harry’s legs to try and warm them up. He was still cold. But Harry was warm, so warm! Warmth seemed to radiate from his body and every word, every smile seemed to intensify it. Did that even make sense? Either way the warmth seeped through Louis’ clothes and maybe he was still cold but it lulled him in and he felt how his eyes grew heavy. He hadn’t looked to the TV once, he wasn’t even sure what was on. Instead he now raised his head to see Harry’s face. Harry was already looking at him and had a sweet smile on his face. His glimpse was so tender and there was even a hint of a dimple to be seen. Louis blinked one time. It was hard to remember how to open the eyes again. He knew he probably would fall asleep any time now or maybe he already was asleep and just dreamt about a glorious dimple. That wouldn’t be the first time. Due to that he couldn’t resist to reach a hand towards Harry’s face and let his fingertip dig into the dimple. It instantly got deeper in order to the now beamy smile on Harry’s face. That felt so good! It felt somewhat familiar because he had done that previously. But then it felt also very new and very exciting. His finger lingered there pressed gently into the dimple for a while longer until his eyelids slowly lowered. He couldn’t stay awake anymore. He wasn’t even really there anymore when he heard a familiar voice saying:

 

 

“That’s right, sleep now. I’m here, darling!” And that let his heart dancing in his chest.


	11. Chapter 11

It was dark when Louis woke up. There was sweat all over his face and he was trembling. The nightmare still lingered there in this dark room where only small parts of the walls were illuminated by the bright moon. Louis’ chest was rising and falling very quickly and he had to concentrate to calm down his breathing. In his dreams he thought he was swimming in a lake. It was a pretty lake with water lilies at the lakeside. There was even a ladder for a comfortable access into the lake. When Louis looked at it he suddenly saw a face under the ladder. It was under water and seemed to be stuck there. He quickly swam to the ladder and dived to help the person out. He was successful but then noticed that the person was already dead and there was now a corpse swimming at the water surface. It was obvious that the person was already dead for a while. Louis was shocked and he wanted to quickly get out of the water but suddenly HE was stuck under the ladder and couldn’t escape. He struggled and tried to find an exit but he couldn’t und there was no air left in his lungs. He was drowning and he was desperate and he was so, so scared and he couldn’t breathe and he knew he would die now… And then he woke up. It was horrible. Louis still struggled to get enough air into his lungs. He was aware that panic was now capturing him. He looked around for help or a solution or SOMETHING to make this terror stop, when he suddenly looked into Harry’s face. Right! He was still there! But… he was STILL there? And why? And… And all of a sudden it was too much for Louis. He bolted out of the bed and ran through the darkness into the hallway. He even took some of the steps downstairs but then he was overwhelmed by the feeling of drowning that he felt in his dreams but that he also had felt throughout the last months. He was drowning! And he was drowning so fast! At first it seemed as if it wasn’t so bad. As if he was able to cut the surface from time to time. But then it got worse and he was sinking deeper and deeper into shallowness. And as hard as he tried, as much as he wanted, he was not able to reach the surface, to take a breath and to rest a bit. He had to swim, to struggle, to fight the whole time. And it hurt! It hurt so much! He didn’t want it to hurt, he didn’t even know why he was hurting. And sometimes it felt as if he only imagined the pain and there was actually just emptiness. But he didn’t really know what was worse: the pain or the emptiness. And somehow both were the same. Somehow he was drowning in empty depths and that hurt so much! Louis’ breath went slower but it also became harder to breathe because his throat seemed gotten smaller. And he also made noises now which he recognized only after a few minutes as sobs. No! Not again! How could he be crying again? Why was he such a baby? Which man was crying so frequently? What did that say about him? He was weak! He was so weak and pathetic! He felt so wrong and so out of place! Why couldn’t he just be normal? Enjoying life and be carefree and confident, have girlfriends and go to parties and laugh at feelings. Why was he such a failure? He had ever been one. He wasn’t very good at school, hadn’t even finished it! He had some younger sisters but was never really able to help them even though he was much older! He had no special talent, except of a few musical skills. But wasn’t even as good as his bandmates. Why couldn’t he be like one of them? They were all so great guys! They were perfect. And there was he! He looked downright ridiculous next to Harry! On photos, on stage or in real life. No matter in which respect he would always lose. Of course! Because not only was Harry perfect, the most perfect person in this world, Louis was also disgusting and he should never even be near Harry. But Harry was here! HERE! In Louis’ house, in Louis’ bed even. But why? Why would he ever have the wish to be near Louis, especially when he only found out what a mess Louis was?

 

 

Louis’ sobs became louder and the tears streamed down his face. He would never have thought the he would be able to produce such an amount of tears. He pressed his hand onto his ugly, tearstained face and shook with the intensity of his sobs. When the breathing became harder again, he pulled his hands again and just pressed the balls of the hands into his eyes. But it wouldn’t become easier to breathe. Instead it only became harder, and Louis didn’t know how to change it. It didn’t seem to be down to the crying and the sobs. There was just not enough air. Again Louis had the feeling to drown. But it was worse now, maybe worse than ever. He literally could not get enough oxygen into his body. He panicked now. The blood rushed through his veins and was loud in his ears. He didn’t hear anything else. He was now panting and everything began to swirl funny. He didn’t even see anything and he was so scared! What was happening?!

 

 

 

Harry woke up when something felt off. Something was missing. He needed a few moments to notice, that he had fallen asleep with Louis in in arms. And now there was no Louis. No Louis? But where else was he? Well, probably he was just in the bathroom. It was late at night after all, so where else could he possibly be? So Harry lay back again and waited some time for Louis to reappear. But he didn’t. When Harry already got worried, he heard some strange noises. He couldn’t quite classify them but his heart began to speed up and he somehow knew that something was wrong. Maybe he had a special sense now that would always tell him whenever Louis wasn’t well. So Harry got out of bed and hurried into the hall. And there he was. Louis sat onto the stairs and seemed like a mess. His hair was a single chaos, his face was wet and his eyes puffy. But much more urging was the fact that the boy was struggling for breath and seemed to be choking. He knew that this was what a panic attack looked like.

 

 

Harry run up to Louis and grabbed him by his shoulders. Louis’ eyes stared right into Harry’s but the boy didn’t seem to actually see him.

 

 

“Lou! Relax, relax! Do you hear me? Lou? Can you hear me??” Now Louis’ eyes were zooming in onto Harry and he looked so desperate and begging for help. “Okay, slow breaths, Lou. Inhale deeply and then exhale deeply. Lou! Please! Mind my breathing!” Harry breathed deeply and extra loud to make it easier for Louis. The latter one seemed to understand but had a hard time in copying. Harry continued to show Louis deep breaths and after a while Louis’ breathing got slower and a lot less cramped. At one point Louis was only panting like he had been running a mile. That was when Harry kneeled down and took Louis’ face in his right hand. There were still tearstains on his pale cheeks. Harry thumped them away and placed his other hand onto Louis’ hips. It seemed as if the boy was exhausted and wasn’t able to sit straight any longer. Harry wanted to play it safe and hold him in case he would fall. After another moment Louis was breathing nearly normal. He slumped down complete and was only being hold by Harry’s hands now.

 

 

“Hey, Boo, are you alright?” No response. “Do you hear me, love?”, Harry asked now worried and was relieved when Louis nodded his head. Harry stroked the sweaty hair that had fallen into Louis eyes out of his face and simply continued to hold him. After a while Louis spoke:

 

 

“Thank you, Hazza. I thought I had to choke. I, I was so scared!”

 

 

“Well that was a pretty intensely panic attack. Do you ever had one before?” Louis shook his head.

 

 

“No. Sometimes it gets harder to breathe, but it had never been so bad like today.” Harry nodded in understanding.

 

 

“Tell me, Lou, what happened? Why were you even sitting here?”, Harry asked.

 

 

“It was… I don’t know, I had a nightmare and then… and…” Louis closed his eyes in exhaustion.

 

 

“Do you wanna tell me about it?”, Harry asked softly and stroked Louis’ cheek. But Louis just shook his head.

 

 

“Alright, we’ll bring you to bed now. I bet you are tired, am I right?” Again Louis nodded and seemed to have heavy eyelids already. Harry helped him stand up and guided him into the bedroom where they lay down and fell asleep again. It took Harry a while due to the terror he felt when he had seen Louis like that. His poor boy! He looked towards the sleeping boy and couldn’t resist but press a soft kiss onto his forehead. Harry just wanted him to be safe and happy!

 

 

 

 

The next days were spent by the two boys pretty quietly. They had no serious conversation. Instead the TV was on and they slept a lot. Louis still needed to rest and recharge. And Harry would just do whatever Louis needed. Sometime Louis would ask Harry if he didn’t want to go home. Harry had plans like visiting his family and his thousands of friends. But Harry only ever said that he would stay there, right by Louis’ side. With that the conversation was always over and it left Louis with those questions in his head that he could never find an answer for. Why was Harry still there? Why hadn’t he already left? How could he stand Louis’ miserable mood? Would he leave soon? Wasn’t he disgusted and tired of him? There were so many questions but he didn’t dare to voice them all. He was afraid that the answer would pull him even deeper and he would drown faster.

 

 

When the last day of their break arrived Louis was nervous. There was so much to do, so much to talk about. He didn’t think that he was ready for that. He still owed his mother a call since he choked her off quite rudely the other day when she had called. And then he had to pack his bags for the tour. And then there was Harry who walked around as if he had something to say or to ask and was worried about it. And Louis learned that this was indeed the truth.

 

 

“Hey umm, I wanna talk to you, Lou.”

 

 

“Alright, what’s up?”, Louis responded with an uneasy feeling in his stomach.

 

 

“You know, the tour is starting tomorrow again and I was wondering… I mean… Lou, are you sure you are ready for this?”

 

 

“Huh? What do you mean?”

 

 

“I mean, you are not well. We both know that. And I’m worried that it would be too much for you. I want you to get better, but I’m not sure if concerts are the right way.”

 

 

“What?! No! I’m fine! I mean, I’m perfectly able to do those concerts like before! I won’t stay at home like an invalid or something! Because I’m not! I’m not crazy! Is that what you think? That I’m insane? But you’re wrong! I’m not insane! I gonna go on tour like you do and I will do fine!” His angry voice matched the frown on his forehead and the folded arms in front of his chest. Maybe he even looked like a toddler what made him unfold his arms quickly.

 

 

“No, no, no I would never think that you’re crazy! Lou! I’m just saying that you maybe need a bit more rest and on tour there are so many people and we have nearly no time for ourselves. I just don’t want you to feel bad. I want you to be safe and healthy and happy.” Harry’s voice was a bit pleadingly now. It was obvious that he didn’t want to have Louis being angry at him. But Louis was. He might not know what was wrong with him, but he was not insane! The next day they would probably bring him to a madhouse. Louis left the room and enclosed himself into the bathroom. It took a few hours until he agreed to come out and eat some toast. Harry apologized a hundred times and at some point Louis was so tired that he accepted the apologies. He was so tired again! Not just because it was late afternoon now, but also of something else. Of being angry and feeling treated like a lunatic. It was exhausting.

 

 

The rest of the day went by with packing. They had to leave the house pretty early in the morning so they prepared everything for the next day and went to bed early. Louis wouldn’t snuggle under Harry’s arm like he used to the last nights. But he wished him softly a good night and even let Harry kiss his forehead. That was a new normal now. Kisses on the forehead or on the top of his head, pet names like ‘love’ and his old name ‘Boo’. Oh, and Louis never forgot that moment right before he fell asleep when Harry said something else. This memory never failed to let goosebumps grow on his arms. ‘Darling’. He had called him ‘darling’…

 

 

The departure went to plan and soon they were standing in front of the plane next to their beloved bandmates. That was the moment in which Louis felt that he had fooled himself. No, he was not ready. And he definitely was not better. He felt the adamant urge to play his role again. To seem alright again. But he knew he couldn’t fool Harry. So he tried to tone his show down a bit. He only showed a small grin and never said he was fine. But he played. Since the first second on the airport he had played a role and at least until now Harry hadn’t seen through this. Good. If this was his life now, it was bad. But he would do everything to make Harry happy. And therefor he needed to be happy. Due to the impossibility of that, he would play happy. He could do that. At all costs.


	12. Chapter 12

But even though he tried to get better, Louis didn’t. If it was possible it got even worse. His friends were now so much more attentive when he wasn’t answering fast enough or didn’t want to go out with them. Every time he didn’t act like a normal guy would – like THEY did – they would put on worried expressions and ask for his condition. Of course Louis never told them what he really felt but it was not just annoying but also tiring. Harry was obviously even worse. He never pushed him to speak about what he was thinking and feeling. But he was just there all the time. Harry would be observing him the whole day, walking near him, maybe put a hand on his shoulder, when Louis seemed to hyperventilate. And that happened more often lately. Louis couldn’t explain it but somehow he got so anxious when he was near people. When they were too near. Yes, the feeling was most intensely when it was men who came very close to him. But also fans were a big problem for him now. They always wanted to touch him, to hug him, to kiss him. They expected some sort of body contact and he dreaded that. Even though people were just standing close to him or were talking intensely to him, he felt so embattled and just wanted to shy away from them all. And then he needed to hide that impulse.

 

 

Louis was constantly on edge these days. There was no single moment of the day when he could relax, feel safe and calm and not drowning. It was horrible! The only thing that could maybe help him wasn’t easily to do. His arm and basically his whole body literally screamed for it, he just NEEDED it, but there was barely a way. Harry was always just there. He seemed to have an overview over Louis’ bathroom visits and was suspicious when the smaller boy needed to go to the loo too often or when he stayed too long inside. Mostly Harry would even coincidentally join him. Louis was nearly never being left alone which made it really hard for him to escape into this dangerously relieving feeling.

 

 

When they sat in the plane to fly to America again Harry had approached Louis and asked for a conversation. Harry didn’t beat about the bush.

 

 

“Look, Lou. I know you don’t want to talk about all of this, but there is something that I really need to talk to you about. When you first told me how you were feeling, it was because what I have seen. I mean your arm.” He exhaled deeply and closed his eyes for a while. “Lou, I don’t want you to ever hurt yourself again! I need you to promise me to never do it again! Please, Boo Bear! I can’t stand the thought of you doing it! Promise me, please!” Louis was so taken aback. Firstly he didn’t expect Harry to talk about this, especially not in the plane with their friends being only meters away from them. And then, how could he ever promise Harry such a thing? It was his only solution when it became too bad. He didn’t know if he was even possible to just quit it. He had a feeling that he had no longer control over it. If he ever had!

 

 

“Haz, I-I don’t know if… I mean I can’t promise you-“

 

 

“No! You have to! Please, you can’t do this anymore!” Harry seemed very desperate now. The look in his green eyes showed clearly that the idea of Louis hurting himself was indeed hurting Harry. Louis felt so bad. He never wanted to hurt Harry!

 

 

“I, umm, I could… try?”, Louis asked uncertainly. Harry looked so unhappy at these words. “I’d really- I’d- but… Harry I can’t promise. Even though I’d really want it! But I, I’ll try, alright? Maybe I- yeah…” This concession shocked Louis probably more than Harry’s plea. How in the earth could he ever be able to stop doing this? And what should he do instead?

 

 

“I know, it won’t be easy, but I’m here for you. I’ll help you, Lou, you are not alone in this, remember?” Louis nodded, even though he knew that this was just empty rhetoric. Of course he was alone! Sure, Harry was there, but he couldn’t make it all go away! He would never be REALLY there. Someday he would have someone and have no time for Louis anymore. And no interest. Louis shook those thoughts away.

 

 

“Please let me help you, love!”, Harry said simply and It was impossible for Louis to deny him that. Because he wanted help! He really did, but what he didn’t know was how to accept it. So he nodded again and hoped it would work somehow.

 

 

“Then, please, give me all of your sharp stuff. Like blades or… whatever you u- I mean, those things”, Harry stammered a bit unwillingly but nevertheless decisive. Sweat started to appear at Louis’ forehead. He felt like a thief who had to empty his pockets. He knew, it was probably the best and also he didn’t want to disappoint Harry. But…

 

 

In the end Louis gave his friend what he wanted and suddenly his pockets felt so empty. He was unsettled and constantly nervous. That changed when he finally got to run into a shop where he bought new blades. He didn’t take long but surely Harry would have noticed if Louis wouldn’t have had such luck to directly run into some fans in the foyer of their hotel. This way Harry thought, when he saw him there, that Louis was the whole time in the hotel and talked to the fans.

 

 

Since then Louis indeed had technically the possibility to do what he craved for but still he had no chance to be alone for a longer time. That was why he more and more tried to hide from Harry. Although he really liked Harry’s presence, he tried to avoid him. He could no longer stand to be constantly observed and never to be alone. And he needed to be alone, because playing this role at all times was so hard, that he didn’t even know anymore who he actually was. Well, that old funny Louis was gone a long time ago but even the sad Louis was never really present these days. Who was he anymore? When you play a role the whole time, is this still just a role? Louis was so confused and the unsettling feeling he had since a long time now grew with each day. At the end of every day Louis would fall into bed and instantly fall asleep. It wasn’t long until his body changed more and more. He got even thinner because he was barely eating anymore. Next to the absent appetite he had too much stress with showing a smile and forcing himself to talk a bit. There was no time for him to eat. Even while dinnertime or at the breakfast table he couldn’t eat. He had to concentrate so much on listening an answering. It was as if he had forgotten how to communicate. But he not only got thinner, there were now deep shadows under his eyes all the time. They’d never disappear. Louis knew he looked bad. He wasn’t blind. His mirror showed him how he felt – he looked terrible. Well, it wasn’t that he ever looked really good but nowadays he looked particularly awful. And the others noticed, too. They tried to make him eat and tried to cocker him up. But it wouldn’t work.

 

 

One evening the tour bus was stopping in front of their new hotel. When they all got out Paul was stepping up to them.

 

 

“Boys, I’m sorry but something went wrong with the reservation.”

 

 

“Oh no, not another night in the bus!”, Niall muttered.

 

 

“No, you can sleep in the hotel, but they only reserved three rooms for you. You’ll have to share.” He looked into not that keen faces. “Come on lads, you shared your rooms all the time a few years ago! And you loved it!”

 

 

“Yeah right, let’s go guys! Who wants to share with who?”, Liam asked but before he could finish Zayn already spoke:

 

 

“I take the single room!”

 

 

“And I’ll share with Lou, like before. Right, Lou?”, Harry asked euphorically. But Louis couldn’t share that excitement. Sure, a few years ago he would have been so happy to share a room with Harry. But now it meant that he couldn’t even really relax in his room.

 

 

“Yeah, sure”, he smiled softly. Paul handed them their keys and Liam and Harry announced that they wanted to hop into the pool before going to bed. Paul reminded them that it would be a short night for them and they promised not to stay long. Louis made a beeline for the room. He was so weightless, he just couldn’t help but thinking of the sharp blade in his bag. He didn’t feel better until the bathroom door was locked behind him and he was holding the metal in his hand.

 

 

 

 

In retrospect Louis was so stupid to just do this without thinking. He had to share a room with Harry goddammit! Of all the days today he had to take out his blade! After using it he was very careful to clean everything and leave no hint to what he had done. When the bleeding stopped he just hoped there wouldn’t be more blood due to the fact that he had no plaster or gauze. He just pulled his sweater over his hands. He then went into the small kitchen that belonged to Harry’s and his room. He brewed himself a tea and felt much calmer now. He drank his tea slowly and then went to change into pajamas. He chose a long sleeve shirt to hide his arm and after washing his face and teeth he got into the very comfortable bed. He was pretty tired but it wasn’t really late so Harry would probably be suspicious when he’d fell asleep so early. So Louis turned on the TV and switched to a reality show, he didn’t like or even know.

 

 

 

 

Harry laughed the whole way up to the floor they all occupied. It was seldom lately that he had so much fun and Liam was the perfect partner for it. Their wet clothes dripped a bit onto the floor but they couldn’t care less. They passed the door to Liam’s and Niall’s room through which the loud voices of Niall and Zayn sounded. Harry and Liam looked at each other and laughed. Then Liam entered his room while Harry padded giggling towards his room. He entered the bedroom where he saw Louis curled up in the bed watching TV. His smile instantly grew wider. Louis looked at him and just said a soft:

 

 

“Hello!”, that made Harry’s heart do a particular strong beat. He got into the bathroom to take a shower. When he afterwards used the loo he noticed something odd in the toilet… And then he noticed it. He stormed out of the bathroom and stepped up to the bed. With a quite loud voice he said:

 

 

“Why have you done that, Louis? Why? You promised me! You- why didn’t you say something? I told you I’m there for you!” His face looked angry at the small boy snuggled into the sheets.

 

 

“What? What do you mean? I don-“, he smaller Boy stuttered confusedly.

 

 

“Show me your arm!” No reaction except of a lowly lowering of the head. “I mean it! Show me your arm, Lou!”

 

 

“No! Why should I? There’s noth-“

 

 

“Don’t lie to me! I saw the bloody tissues in the toilet. I know what you did! I want to see your fucking arm now!” Harry’s voice got louder now and due to his deep voice it sounded somewhat scary. He made a step towards the bed to try and overcome those walls that were still surrounding the boy on the bed. But this movement made Louis flinch away. He ducked his head and was now wearing a scared expression on his face. God! Louis actually was scared of Harry! How did that happen?

 

 

“Lou, hey, don’t be- I don’t-, Lou, you know I’d never hurt you! Right? Boo?” Louis swallowed and looked down but still nodded. Harry sat down onto the mattress and searched for Louis’ glimpse.

 

 

“Hey, love, I’m so sorry I raised my voice. I’m not even angry at you, it’s just… I never want you to get hurt and now you’re doing it on your own! I want to save you! Please forgive me for scaring you like that!”

 

 

“It’s alright”, Louis brought out weakly.

 

 

“Can I hug you?”, Harry asked and felt an enormous need to show his affection to the boy in front of him. When he got a nod as a response, he gently embraced Louis with his arms and held him close. He mumbled apologies into his ear and stroked over his back. Then he pulled back and asked very softly:

 

 

“Can you please show me your arm? I’m not angry, I promise!” Louis hesitated but eventually pulled his sleeve up. Harry breathed in sharply. How he hated to see Louis hurt like this! How he wanted to heal his golden skin! But he couldn’t and that hurt a lot.

 

 

“’m sorry, Hazza”, Louis muttered nearly inaudible.

 

 

“We’ll get it right, love! Please at least try to not harm yourself! And when you feel like doing it then please, please come to me and let me help you to get better without this”, he spoke intensely but still very soft to the boy with the lowered head.

 

 

“Okay, okay I will. I don’t want to do this… I think”, Louis answered and finally looked up to meet Harry’s glimpse.

 

 

 

 

When Harry was in the bathroom again to get ready for the night, Louis got so angry at himself. Why hadn’t he checked if he flushed the toilet correctly? Now Harry knew and he looked so angry. So scary. Harry was never scary. He usually was the sweetest person on earth. But just now Louis had been downright terrified. He didn’t exactly know why – after all he was still Harry. His Hazza! And then he had looked so sad and hurt and Louis really, really wanted to punish himself for causing that broken expression on Harry’s face. But right now he couldn’t do anything but stay here in bed and wait for Harry to return so that they could both fall asleep.

 

 

Louis’ eyes followed Harry’s every step, when he came into the bedroom and made his way to the other side of the bed. His face seemed now a lot calmer and Louis sighed relieved. Harry got into bed and switched off the light on the nightstand. Then he pulled Louis towards him without giving it a second thought. And Louis was happy about that. Well, as happy as Louis could possibly be. He felt Harry’s warmth in his back and the long arms around his body. It felt so good! Louis even accomplished a very small smile. A real smile. He felt how Harry nuzzled his face into Louis’ soft hair and breathed into it. It tickled a bit at the scalp which made him giggle very quietly. But of course Harry heard that.

 

 

“Are you giggling?”, he asked unbelievingly and Louis could hear the smile in his voice. Louis shook his head. “So you are crying?”, Harry asked, now without that smile.

 

 

“No! It was a giggle!”, Louis set right.

 

 

“So why were you giggling then?” Louis felt another breath in his hair and had to giggle again.

 

 

“Because it tickles, Haz!” Harry froze for a second.

 

 

“What tickles?”, he asked.

 

 

“Your breath!”, Louis chuckled and raised a hand to put it between Harry’s face and his scalp. But Harry reacted quickly and caught his hand in his bigger hand so that he could breathe extra deeply into the soft caramel hair. Louis giggled some more and tried to free his hand – without success.

 

 

“Please, Hazza, please! It tickles!”, Louis giggled and turned a bit around to press his other hand against Harry’s cheeky mouth. And suddenly something in the room changed. Suddenly he was extremely aware of the fact that Harry was so near. That he had his arms around him and that his lips were pressed against Louis’ hand. Harry’s eyes were only centimeters away. And his mouth as well. Louis could sense every millimeter of soft skin under his fingers and wished he could hold his hand there forever while at the same time feeling the urge to pull away his hand because he had a feeling that everything would be better without a barrier between their mouths.

 

 

Louis was frightened by his own thoughts and quickly turned around again, away from Harry’s Siren-like lips. His heart was pounding in his chest – it nearly hurt. What was happening? Louis’ eyes were opened widely and his hands were clam. What was Harry thinking now? He still felt Harry everywhere. Well, probably that was due to the fact that they still lay pressed together. Louis felt panic growing in his stomach.

 

 

Harry could possibly sense Louis’ alertness and held him tighter against his chest. Then he stroked gently some hair strand out of Louis’ face and said softly:

 

 

“Everything’s fine, love. We should sleep now, it’s late. Aren’t you tired? Do you think you can sleep now?” Louis relaxed a bit. At least Harry seemed to still feel comfortable. Good! He nodded as a response.

 

 

“Alright, sweet dreams, Boo. I’ll look after you.” Louis’ heart sped up again, but not due to the panic. There was a tingle in his stomach as well.

 

 

“Goodnight, Hazza”, he said and closed his eyes. Oh, how glad he was that he wasn’t somewhere else in this world. Because here was perfect. As long as Harry was there to whisper such sweet things into his ear and to hold him, every place would be just great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear readers, I really hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'm going to go on holidays next week and won't be back until early october. That's why you will have to wait at least two weeks for another chapter. I don't know if I get to finish the next one before I'm away. So maybe I'll upload another one the next days or you'll have to wait until I'm back. I'm sorry! 
> 
> Hugs and kisses to you!! xx


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. Now, I'm back from my holidays and luckily I already prepared most of the chapter before I left. Sooo, I hope you enjoy. I thought it was somewhat cute when I read it again today. :)

Every night that Louis spent was hard. But every night he spent with Harry made him feel like he was in a horrific game and it was exceptionally hard. But suddenly he was allowed to use the break button. Harry was his break button. But he didn’t pause a game, he paused Louis’ life, well at least the dark part of it. So when Louis woke up it wasn’t so bad to think about the day to come. He didn’t really know if there were interviews scheduled or something else. But that wasn’t important right now. He didn’t care for the pain in his arm as well. It was wrong to say that everything seemed brighter and less dark and bad and scaring. But he knew he could breathe for a moment, rest even. Harry was there.

 

 

So he was really calm when he opened his eyes and directly looked at dark eyelashes. Harry. He was still there and he was so close! Louis felt warm and cozy under the blankets and could feel Harry’s skin all over his body. Harry’s right arm had been slipped between their chests. Louis looked at it for a moment and decided that it would feel so good if it was still around Louis. So he carefully lifted Harry’s hand up and draped his long arm around himself. Content with the result he snuggled deeper into Harry and inhaled his familiar scent.

 

 

A memory was tickling him in the back of his mind. It was about what happened right before he fell asleep last night. But Louis didn’t want that now. He just wanted to be here, right in this moment. Just Harry and him. Just the two of them.

 

 

Louis lay still a while longer and wondered how late it was. Then he remembered that he didn’t really care about that. In that moment Harry was moving a bit. He was still sleeping though and Louis could sense that the taller boy was still dreaming. Harry’s hands pushed Louis farther into Harry’s chest and the curly one placed his head above Louis’. Louis could feel a hand in his hair nuzzling it around. It felt so good!

 

 

A while later Louis heard a low rumbling sound in Harry’s throat that was very near Louis’ face. Then Harry moved again and now he seemed to be waking up. He swallowed one time and then lowered his head to look Louis in the eyes. They were quiet for a moment then Harry said:

 

 

“Hello there.” His voice was so deep! It made Louis’ neck tickle.

 

 

“Hi”, he said silently. He didn’t break their eye contact and felt how something started working in his stomach. Hopefully he wouldn’t get sick? But it didn’t hurt, it was like a little flutter. He swallowed thickly. Harry’s mouth stretched into a sleepy smile that was copied by Louis.

 

 

“You’re so comfortable, Boo. Maybe I’ll just lay here forever and never let go of you. Are you all right with that?” Louis knew that was a joke but even if he would have been able to actually laugh he didn’t felt like that. Because Harry’s words made him feel things. He wanted to scream “yes, yes, yes” in Harry’s face and “never let me go”. But he didn’t, he just nodded. And maybe that was a really embarrassingly response because Harry JOKED. And Louis nodded seriously to that. But Harry seemed not to be disgusted or anything. He smiled again and showed off his dimples.

 

 

“Alright, love, then it’s settled. You will stay here with me forever and ever.” He sighed dramatically. “I’m so blessed.” Then he started giggling and Louis had to smile fondly at him. He was such a dork. So he said exactly that:

 

 

“You are such a dork, Harold!”

 

 

“And you love it!”, he answered nonchalantly. Louis choked and had to cough a few times. Then he heard Harry laughing softly.

 

 

“Alright there?”, he asked and Louis was still a bit out of it.

 

 

“Yeah, yeah”, he breathed.

 

 

“Good, then I can do that!” And Harry started to tickle Louis. He knew exactly where those spots were that made Louis squirm and he took advantage of it. Soon Louis was giggling and trying to catch his breath.

 

 

“Haz! Hazza! Please, I can’t- No, no, no! Haz, please, don’t” But Harry wouldn’t have mercy. There were already tears in Louis’ eyes when they heard a soft knock at the door. Harry stopped to tickle Louis and Louis took deep breaths in relief.

 

 

“Come in”, Harry called and the door swung open.

 

 

“Sorry, we heard noises so we thought we could come over for breakfast”, Liam said. He stood next to Niall in the door and seemed a bit unsure if he should leave.

 

 

“It’s fine”, Harry said. He snuggled Louis deeper against his chest again. “Ensconce yourself in the living room! We only need a moment!” Liam and Niall nodded in agreement, although Liam looked confused and Niall smug. But Louis had no time to think about that, he was occupied by another tickle attack. When he was lying squirming and writhing underneath Harry, the latter stopped his attack and laughed.

 

 

“Okay, I’ll leave you alone now. I like it when you giggle like that. It sounds cute!” Louis blushed. BLUSHED? Was he a little girl?

 

 

Harry pressed a gentle kiss onto Louis’ forehead and then got out of the bed. When he walked towards the door, he casted a glance back at Louis who seemed to be frozen on the spot. Harry grinned and then left the bedroom.

 

 

And there Louis lay. All alone with a racing heart in a ruffled bed. What had just happened? Why was he so pumped? Right, Harry had tickled him but that wasn’t something that never happened before. But when Harry was above him, with his broad shoulders… Louis had felt something he couldn’t quite describe.

 

 

He was scared to death when the door opened and Niall spoke:

 

 

“You alright in there, Tommo?” Maybe he lay there longer than he’d thought.

 

 

“Wha- OH! Yeah, yeah”, he breathed, “just gonna… bathroom…” With that he got out of bed and basically ran into the bathroom while leaving a probably confused Niall behind. After he had taken a shower and tried his best to just suppress his thoughts about Harry, he joined his friends in the living room.

 

 

“Hey, there you are!”, Liam smiled and continued, “Look, we ordered some breakfast. Take what you want!” Louis’ glimpse wandered over the table full of food. Not good. Well, he was hungry – probably. But his stomach seemed a bit nervous after the whole night and morning in the bed with Harry. He gulped awkwardly. He was still standing there next to the sofas where the boys were lounging and eating animatedly. Harry noticed too, so he reached an arm out as if he wanted to grab Louis. Louis stepped up to him and Harry pulled him down on the sofa, right under his arm.

 

Woah…

 

 

It was one thing – and pretty confusing – when Harry was like that when they were alone. But know Liam and Niall were present as well. Louis glanced towards them but had to notice that they didn’t care at all. Well, yeah, there was a time when they cuddled a lot, but that was long ago and between then and now lay a whole lot of distance, sadness and loneliness.

 

 

Louis felt Harry’s soft touch at his shoulder and couldn’t help but shudder a bit. He looked up to the curly haired boy and earned an instant smile from him. Quickly he lowered his head again and let his eyes rest on his hands. He felt a gentle nudge in his hair and due to the soft puff of breath against his scalp he knew it was Harry’s nose. Then Harry raised his hand to take a bite of his croissant. Louis could hear Liam and Niall munching as well and felt his stomach tighten painfully. Yes, he maybe should eat something but he couldn’t. Not yet. There was Harry and those hours before. And then there was everything else. It was just then that Niall said:

 

 

“Hey, you aren’t eating. Not hungry, mate?”

 

 

“No”, Louis answered, “not really, no.”

 

 

“Ridiculous! How could you not be hungry?”, Niall disbelievingly spoke, but he was too busy with eating to push the subject any more. Liam was eating happily as well but frowned a bit at Louis’ words.

 

 

“What? No breakfast? I don’t like that!”, he said firmly. Louis began to nervously knead his fingers. How he hated such situations, when he had do lie and to persuade his friends that he was only speaking the truth. He never wanted to lie! Lying was bad and he hated himself so much for it! He just shook his head as a response to Liam.

 

 

“Hey, Boo, that’s not right, you should eat something”, Harry came in on Liam’s side.

 

 

“But I’m not hungry right now. I’ll eat later”, Louis tried to ensure.

 

 

“Please just eat something. There’s a long day ahead of us and I-“

 

 

“No!”

 

 

“Lou! Please, it’s impor-“ Louis knew that wouldn’t stop. Either he ate right now or this would lead to a heated fight with Harry. And then Harry would probably cry and Louis too and he didn’t want that. So it was time for a new option. He never tried this because, well, Harry never knew how unhappy he was. But now he knew and maybe he could try and not lie to him but be a bit more open. Maybe he could show Harry a small part of his weak parts that just weren’t able to eat right now. So he spoke very softly and as quiet as possible to keep the other boys from overhearing:

 

 

“Please, Hazza. I can’t right now. Don’t make me. I’ll eat later. I promise!” He looked at Harry with a pleading expression. Harry frowned and opened his mouth to say something obviously in disagreement. So Louis quickly leaned over until he was very near Harry’s ear. Then he carefully touched his cheek with his nose and barely whispered:

 

 

“Please. I beg you” Harry seemed to stiffen at that. Well, yes, that was new. Louis would never beg and especially not when he really meant it. Harry turned his head towards the smaller boy and stared intensely into his eyes as if he searched for something. Maybe for the truth. Then he slowly nodded.

 

 

“Alright. We’ll get you some food later on.”

 

 

“Thank you”, Louis breathed and Harry nodded again. Louis tried a small smile and it surprisingly worked.

 

 

After the boys finished eating – except Louis of course – Niall and Liam left to pack their bags and Harry went to the bathroom. Louis found himself alone on the sofa with an empty and hurting stomach, a heavy heart and an annoying headache. He still didn’t know what their schedule was for today but he was already tired when he thought about it. He stood up and made himself a cup of tea. Then he stepped out onto the balcony and inhaled sharply due to the cold air. He looped his arms around himself and looked around. To say that he admired the view was said too much. Firstly because there was fog everywhere and secondly because there was too much in his head and the time when he had cared about great surroundings was lying far in the past. Nevertheless he continued to stare. Maybe just because he hadn’t anything else to do and maybe because he tried to distract himself.

 

 

Then he suddenly felt two arms encircle him from behind and he heard Harry say:

 

 

“Are you cold, love?” Louis closed his eyes.

 

 

“A bit. Yeah.” He indeed was cold but at the same time he could feel a funny, bubbling warmth in his stomach. Harry lay his head on Louis shoulder and joined him in his viewing. They stood there for a while, Harry’s arms around Louis’ arms which were around his tummy. Then Harry spoke:

 

 

“Isn’t it beautiful, Lou?”

 

 

“Huh? What is beautiful?” He looked around and searched for something special.

 

 

“Well, that view of course!”

 

 

“Do you think?”

 

 

“Umm, yes, I do! Don’t you?” Harry’s voice was wondering.

 

 

“No, I actually don’t see anything special there.” Harry puffed out a surprised breath.

 

 

“Well then, I’ll show you! Look at this heavy fog all over the city! It seems so soft and so peaceful. As if everybody is sleeping under it and the fog is protecting them from any harm while they dream about beautiful places and laughing people. And look over there where the sun managed to peek through the fog a bit. Look how it is glistening there. And it slowly breaks open to let the beams in. I see such a peace and steadiness, so much love and hope in this. Can’t you see this beauty in front of us? We’re standing right into it.” Harry’s little speech had something magic. Even though Louis couldn’t see the hope and love in it, he did spot how the fog was somehow calming and how everything seemed quiet and peaceful. He didn’t know what to say, so he just nodded.

 

 

“You mean, you see it now?”, Harry wondered.

 

 

“A bit, yes. But maybe you just have better eyes for such a thing.” Harry giggled silently.

 

 

“You WILL see all the beauty in this world, love! I’ll show you.” Then he pressed Louis a bit tighter against himself and after a few more moments they stepped back into the living room.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay, I'm back :)   
> I hope you like the chapter even though it's not my favorite after all. Either way, thank you for still reading this story! And if you like it then please tell me in the comments. And if you don't like it then tell me nevertheless! :) Enjoy! xx

When the five of them finally sat in the car Louis found out that there was a day full of filming planned for them. They would make the video for their new single. So, okay, at least there wouldn’t be any annoying interviews or something like that. But filming for the video meant that Louis would have to play so hard, be funny and bubbly. And then his stomach was still painfully empty.

 

 

“Is your arm hurting, Lou?”, Louis heard Harry’s deep voice mumbling next to him. He startled so bad he nearly jumped off his seat.

 

 

“Wha- what??”, he choked and looked around to see if the other three lads showed alarmed expressions. But no, they were talking with each other.

 

 

“Shh, they didn’t hear me! Keep calm!”, Harry added quickly. Louis breathed out and leaned back into his seat. Why would Harry ask such a thing with their friends right beside them? What if they heard anything? They really couldn’t find out about Louis’ weak self!

 

 

“Tell me, is it hurting?”, Harry pushed again. Louis looked up and saw a worried expression at Harry’s face.

 

 

“Umm… a bit maybe… yeah… Why are you asking?”, Louis answered slowly.

 

 

“You seemed as if you’re hurting. Is everything else okay? Do you feel alright?” Harry’ frown was now deepening.

 

 

“Sure! I was just thinking about the filming.” Well, maybe that was not the truth but neither was it a lie. The filming was indeed in his mind since he found out about it. He was so nervous! Harry could seemingly tell how Louis felt and just put an arm around his friend. Then he continued to chat with the other lads and Louis was free to think about how to play happy.

 

 

 

 

When they arrived at the studios where the filming would take place, they entered a comfortable room full of sofas, food and people. They made themselves comfortable and were introduced to the main idea about the video. Then it was time to get the clothes and hair ready. While the others stood up to change Harry scooted closer towards Louis on the sofa and said:

 

 

“Lou, you need to eat now. The filming will be hard work, you know how it is.”

 

 

“No. Not now. I’ll eat later, Haz.”

 

 

“Lou! Please! You promised!”

 

 

“Yeah and I will do as I said but not now, okay?” Louis looked around. There were still so many people! He knew some of them but even if he knew all of them he wouldn’t be able to eat right now. He was so nervous, so unbelievably tensed! And there was already a headache forming behind his eyes. No, that day was definitely not one of the easiest.

 

 

“But when will you?”, Harry asked now much more intensely. It was obvious that he really was worried and just wanted to see his friend having some food. But Louis was not ready.

 

 

“Later!” With that Louis stood up and stormed towards the last empty chair to let one of the stylists do his hair.

 

 

After that he had to change into some clothes he didn’t even know just then. He stepped behind the curtain to have a look at the clothes and was relieved to see normal black skinnies and a jean shirt. He put the clothes on and stepped out.

 

 

“No, no, no, no! We’ll roll the sleeves up, dear, that’ll look much cooler!” With that a dark haired unknown woman began to nestle at Louis’ sleeves. But, NO! There was no way he would let anyone a) touch and b) see his lower arms!

 

 

“No, I want them down. I’m cold!”, he said. He quickly put his free hand onto his occupied arm and hindered the woman with that from exposing the skin nobody should ever see. Well, except Harry of course. He already had seen it. Louis automatically glanced at the familiar frame not far away from him, and had to notice that the other boy was already eyeing him. Louis still felt someone pulling at his sleeve and heard the woman saying:

 

 

“The lights will warm you up. You have to look good. Now stop that and let me roll the damn sleeves up!” Her voice had lost a lot of its warmth and Louis had to hold onto his own arm tightly to prevent an exposed arm.

 

 

“No, I don’t want-“

 

 

“Hey”, he heard Harry’s warm voice right next to him, “what’s the matter?” Louis did not want to answer. What should he say? This was pretty embarrassing. Every normal person would have just worn their sleeves pulled up. There really was no problem. HE was the problem!

 

 

“Well, our little diva over here doesn’t want to wear his shirt like intended. What a pity not everyone is so charming like you”, the woman responded and sounded suddenly really sweet. Oh well, she was fliting with Harry! Of course! Louis snorted. But before he could say something Harry had already pulled Louis under his arm and said while totally ignoring the woman’s tone:

 

 

“Louis will wear his shirt like he wants it to. He’s not a doll or something and you really should work at your manners!” With that he turned around and pulled Louis with him out of the room. When they just entered the floor he stopped and asked:

 

 

“Are you alright?” Louis nodded.

 

 

“Yeah, sure. Sorry for that, I just should’ve-“ He felt a hand above his mouth so that he had to stop speaking. He looked up to see Harry smiling.

 

 

“Stop that! Are you really alright?” He lowered his hand and Louis confirmed. “Good. And are you ready?” Again Louis affirmed and together they walked slowly towards the set. It was a quite big building and there were some large hallways with nearly no people. When they reached an empty hallway, Louis suddenly felt a warm hand surrounding his own. He instantly looked down to his hand and saw Harry’s bigger hand softly around his own. Then he just as quickly looked up towards Harry’s face but the latter one continued to look straight forward as if nothing happened. But there was a very small smile to be seen in the way his one cheek – the only one Louis could see – showed a hint of a dimple. Louis stared a while longer at it. Then his lips unintentionally stretched into a tiny smile as well and he quickly turned his head to observe quite intensely how his shoes took turn in touching the floor in front of him. Harry wouldn’t let go of his hand until they reached the much busier hallway that led them directly towards the set where Niall and Zayn were already waiting.

 

 

Louis might or might not have slightly rosy cheeks.

 

 

They had to wait for Liam some more minutes in which Harry had to explain to Zayn why Louis looked like a school girl. Louis wouldn’t listen to that explanation. Because for one it indeed was an embarrassing question and he could only assume that the explanation would be embarrassing as well. Then he had to concentrate pretty hard to will the blood out of his cheeks. Maybe the effort made it even worse. Lastly he was a bit occupied by his now really bad hurting stomach that screamed for food. The headache was still present as well. So he kept his mouth shut and simply tried to look relaxed and anticipating. He failed completely.

 

 

When Liam arrived they started to film. It wasn’t the first time they made a music video. So they already had some experience and knew that they generally only had to be themselves. But Louis wasn’t himself. He couldn’t. So the whole day got worse and worse. At first everything was not that bad because Louis tried really hard. But then he got exhausted by all the effort. The other lads were still pumped with energy and joy but Louis was tired. He wanted the day to be over but it wasn’t even afternoon back then. Every scene without Louis went pretty smooth. His bandmates were very good! Nearly every solo shoot was perfect the first time they filmed it. But when Louis had to take part every time there was something wrong. Louis often had to hear stuff like:

 

 

“Louis, you can’t just stand there! Do something! Interact! Just be like you always are!”

 

 

And Louis tried so hard! There was no use though, and by the time they had a break to eat something Louis felt like a zombie. There was no more energy in him. He was so unsettled. Everywhere were people and he disappointed them all! He felt so bad! Every time he saw to people talk with each other he assumed they might speak about his bad appearance on the set. Over these nervous feelings he didn’t even feel his hunger anymore. Before they could leave the set the producer approached him and said:

 

 

“One minute, Louis!” So Louis waited to what the man could possibly say to him even though he already knew. “Now, what’s wrong today, Louis? You are so stiff and earnest. Nothing like usually!”

 

 

“I know, I’m sorry. I really try, but-“

 

 

“No, obviously you don’t try enough. Concentrate a bit. Might that be possible for you? Because we all try to make our job here and we are hours and hours in delay. I hope you know that! It’s just about you, so, please, try a bit harder, alright?” The annoyed producer left Louis standing there. And Louis had to choke quite hard. He knew it was all his fault! Of course he knew! Then he felt a hand on his shoulder and startled due to the unexpected touch from an unidentified person.

 

 

“Sorry, sorry!” It was Harry. “Didn’t want to scare you. What did he want?” Louis just shook his head and said:

 

 

“Nothing, I’m just not as good as I should be.” When Harry started to disagree with an angry voice Louis stopped him and pulled him outside where the lads were waiting for them. Then Harry obviously remembered and said:

 

 

“Now you have to eat, Lou! God, I forgot the last hours! You must be so hungry! Let’s go, I need to see you eat some real food!” But, wow no, Louis really hadn’t it in him to eat now! Not in this situation, not after those horrible hours! He just couldn’t right now, he-

 

 

“Lou? Are you coming?”, Liam called. The four of them were already a few steps away and were now looking at him with confused faces.

 

 

“No”, Louis just said. He felt as if there were no more words in him. Or at least no more energy to form more words.

 

 

“No?”, Zayn asked unbelievingly, “What so you mean? What’s up?” Louis turned around to step out of the building in the need for fresh air. He instantly heard four different voices call his name.

 

 

“Louis?” “Where are you going?” “What are you doing?” “Lou?!”

 

 

Louis only stopped when he was standing in the bright sun. He breathed in deeply and then he felt a hand gripping his arm.

 

 

“Hey! What are you doing, Louis?”, Liam sounded quite a bit annoyed. Of course he was annoyed! Even though Liam was much more fun lately he still was very ambitious. And the filming today didn’t go very well at all. Liam’s expression turned to angry as soon as there was only silence coming from Louis.

 

 

“Louis!”, he called again and tightened his grip at Louis’ arm while shaking him a bit. It didn’t really hurt – Liam would never hurt Louis – but Louis couldn’t stand it.

 

 

“Let go, Liam!”, he said relatively calm, but there was something coiling beneath the surface.

 

 

“No! At first you’ll tell us what’s up with you! So? We’re listening!” Louis was now trying to free himself but Liam only strengthened his grip on him and suddenly Louis was someone else or felt like he was somewhere else. Was there even a difference? He didn’t decide to but all of a sudden he was yelling:

 

 

“Let go! Let go of me!” He was now literally fighting against this unwanted hand at his arm. “No! Go away! No, no NO! I don’t wan-“ While he was yelling there were more voices. Angry voices and calming voices. The strong hand that was holding him disappeared but there were more hands that were somehow holding him – softer, gentler and much less persistent – but nevertheless! They were trying to hold him still and to stop his arms from swaying through the air. Or hitting them.

 

 

“Stop touching him! Go away from him!” That was Harry’s voice. “You’re scaring him!” The arms and hands disappeared then as well and Louis felt ready to breathe again. But just a bit because right then the questions had a comeback.

 

 

“Louis, what’s wrong?” “Why are you here outside?” “Why did you yell?” “Why wouldn’t you come eating?” “Are you alright?” “Louis?”

 

 

But there were also other questions. Questions that were much calmer and quieter but due to the familiar deep voice much more noticed by Louis. They said:

 

 

“Boo? Are you hurt, Boo? Can you look at me please? Boo?”

 

 

It might be that those latter words were a bit soothing but all the voices, all the questions – it was all too much. Too much to handle. And there were still those headaches and his hurting tummy. And all those feelings inside him and the thoughts – the thoughts that whispered in his ear he needed to get away. Somewhere quiet and empty. He needed to escape, to run. And there were still the voices. Louder now that he wasn’t answering any of them. Sure, he knew that it was his very own friends who were standing in front of him and were asking. But he didn’t see them. He wasn’t quite sure where his eyes were but he didn’t feel them. He didn’t feel anything actually. He just felt so weak. So, so tired and weak. And his head seemed to be exploding any minute now and then he was yelling again:

 

 

“Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Just go away, I can’t stand that right now! I don’t what to talk or to be here. Just LEAVE! I’m not- I, I don’t WANT to come with you. I don’t WANT to eat. Just get this already! And I won’t be quiet! I don’t care! You can’t make me do this! I just – go away! All of you! I don’t want anyone here! Leave me alone with your questions and glances and your food and your whispering! I get it, okay? I get it, but I don’t want it! Everything I want is silence and space and, and-“

 

 

But then there was no energy left to form more words. Louis just turned around and ran. Well, maybe there actually WAS some energy left that made him run like that. But probably it was a different kind of energy. What’s been missing wasn’t physical strength. What’s been missing was a little fire, a spark inside him. He had no desire to clear the situation up, to soothe his friends. He had no desire to hold up the role he played for so long now. He had no desire to hide how broken he was. There was nothing inside of him while he ran. He felt like he ran for his life and the only thought, the only emotion inside him was: Please, please let it all end.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I finally got to finish another chapter for you! I really hope you like it, even though I know that it's more of a transition.   
> Either way: Enjoy and pleeeeeeeeaaaaaassssseeee give me some feedback!!!   
> Love you guys! xx

When Harry watched Louis running away like the death itself was behind him, his heart was bleeding. All he ever wanted was to help Louis, to make him feel good or at least better. He wanted to stand beside this boy and to have his back. But everything he really did was to watch how his beloved friend was falling apart. He only tried to break through those walls but he never really reached Louis. All he could do was standing there and keep watching. And that was so heartbreaking!

 

 

Harry didn’t quite know what exactly let Louis snap like he did but that wasn’t really important right now. Important was that Louis wasn’t well, that he was broken and that he was now openly isolating himself from everyone and everything. And that was not good.

 

 

Of course Harry wanted to run after Louis to try and help him through whichever hell the poor lad had to go. He actually started running but there was ironically a sudden chaos that was holding him where he was. Everything happened at once. Louis ran away, the four left behind boys were yelling simultaneously, some guy was trying to get them back into the building, some fans appeared out of thin air at the fence and screamed for pics or autographs or attention and suddenly there were bodyguards who pushed them backwards to try and save them from the not really dangerous crying girls.

 

 

It was quite annoying. None of them was in danger except Louis maybe. And Louis was a mess right now and needed help. HIS help, goddammit! But Harry wasn’t able to squeeze through those impressive men that were hired to save them from every possible harm. He got so angry! He tried to push them away but eventually Liam, Niall, Zayn and Harry found themselves standing in a hall that belonged to the big building complex. And as soon as they arrived there angry voices were to be heard. But Harry couldn’t care less. All he wanted was to run after Louis. Then Liam spoke up:

 

 

“Paul! Please, can we just talk to you for a moment? I mean alone?” And yes, maybe that was what they needed. There were simply too many people. People who were strangers to them and who really shouldn’t know anything about Louis and the fragile state he was in.

 

 

Harry saw Paul’s face getting harder. He seemed to sense that something was wrong. Well, probably their expressions told him everything he needed to know to guide them through all those people and into the changing room, where they first had gathered. As soon as the door was closed Paul spoke:

 

 

“So tell me then, what’s up? Where’s Louis?”

 

 

And that name was like a waking call for Harry. He said: “Louis’ gone. He ran away again. Please Paul, I need to go after him!” His was worried, but his face was hard and determined, just like his voice.

 

 

“Sorry, I can’t let you go. There are fans outside. It’s too dangerous.” But at the same time Paul spoke through the mini-mic to another guy to try and find Louis. Harry knew that wasn’t enough. Louis needed him! He felt a hand kneading his shoulder and didn’t even care who of his friends it was before he shrugged them off. He had no time for such a thing! It wasn’t HIM who needed comfort! It was Louis!

 

 

“Paul, that’s not enough! I have to go, please believe me, Louis isn’t- he, he needs ME!”, Harry tried again.

 

 

“Harry, mate, he’s too far away by now. You have no idea where he went to!” That was Zayn. To Harry’s surprise those words made him shiver in anger. Didn’t they know how dangerous it could be to leave Louis alone right know? Didn’t they know this?! But, oh! No, of course they wouldn’t know! They had no idea! They didn’t know about the self-harm and even though they knew that Louis wasn’t right they had no idea how bad it really was! Gosh, he needed to do something!

 

 

“God, it’s like back then, when he ran away the first time. I feel so helpless!”, Harry growled.

 

 

“Maybe you could call him!”

 

 

“Yeah, right Niall, because he would totally answer his phone right now!” Liam sarcasm was thick. Maybe he was right but Harry had nothing to lose. So he pulled out his phone and was about to use it when it suddenly lightened up and showed Louis face. Louis was calling him! Harry answered immediately.

 

 

“Lou! God, Lou! Where are you? HOW are you?”

 

 

_“Umm, I’m not that far away. I’m sorry, I ran away. I shouldn’t have, but… And then… I didn’t want everything to repeat itself, you know? So..”_

 

 

“Yes, I understand! It’s okay, Lou! I’m gonna pick you up now, alright? Please just stay where you are! What can you see from where you’re standing?”

 

 

 

_“Umm…” – a soft cough was to be heard – “uh there’s a park and a street. I crossed it earlier. I can even see the building you’re in.”_

 

 

“Alright then, just stay there and don’t hang up! I’m coming!” Harry just opened the door – the boys behind him – when Louis said:

 

 

_“No, I can come back alone. Maybe we can go somewhere else then-“_

 

 

“No! No, stay there, please!” Harry didn’t know why it was so important to him. Louis wasn’t that far away. He was perfectly able to walk those few meters back on his own! But something was digging its claws into his stomach and made him shiver in fear. He could feel Zayn’s breath in his neck while speeding through the door. The lads on his heels.

 

 

 _“What? I mean it’s-“_ And then Louis’ voice was gone. Instead Harry heard a sudden loud noise and then there was just silence. Maybe the whole world stopped spinning for a second. Or maybe for an eternity. But his shock wouldn’t save his brain from working so he found himself yelling desperately into his phone to try and get an answer from the missed boy:

 

 

“Lou? LOU??? LOU PLEASE!! No, no, no, no, NO!! LOU!!!” And of course the lads were scared now as well and demanded to know what happened. But Harry himself didn’t actually know what happened or what was happening. But there had been a horrible noise and then the line’s gone dead. And his heart was aching like hell. Oh how he KNEW that something horrendous had happened to his boy! And then there was a tight and cold but somehow even comfortable darkness around Harry while he was falling, and falling.

 

 

 

 

As soon as Louis heard Harry’s voice on the other end of the line he knew it was right to call him instead of running away farther and doing god knew what bad stuff. He had been running and hurting and just wanting to be somehow able to stop this horrific thing that was going on in his life. Or that was his life. He didn’t know what exactly it was that he wanted but he most assuredly needed to get away. So he ran. But the whole time there was this pulling inside of him. That pulling that didn’t lead him away from everything but backwards – where Harry was. Harry. Yeah, Harry was there. Harry told him he would be there for him. And Harry was able to make things much better for him. But in addition to that Harry had already done so much for him. And Louis was dead certain that he was now endlessly worried after that dramatic exit of him. So it was probably the right thing to call Harry. To tell him where he was and where he’d go and what was wrong. Well, Louis wasn’t really sure what was actually wrong. The usual, he guessed. But nevertheless he needed to call Harry and calm him down. Oh, and maybe, just maybe there was another very small point he forgot about. If he did not call Harry, he’d be all alone. And he didn’t know what he would do. But most importantly he wasn’t sure if he would be able to control what he was doing. He no longer trusted himself and that scared him to death. And that on the other hand didn’t seem like such a bad thing to him. And that scared him even more.

 

 

So the decision was final. He’d call Harry. And as soon as he heard his voice some of the heavy stones that were lying upon his heart were removed instantly. He had stopped running. For one because he was exhausted, but he also felt the urge to go back to Harry getting more urgent. So he was just walking slowly next to the street he just crossed and drank in every word that deep voice was forming on the other end. And that alone operated like some magical medicine. Oh, how he would jump into his Harry’s arms later on! How he would let the taller lad cuddle him as long as he wanted. How warm this beloved voice would sound when he could hear it directly. And see it coming from those lips. And all of a sudden he couldn’t wait to be back. He wanted to be inside of his Harry’s arms so badly! He’d just go back, he wouldn’t wait for him to come. He wasn’t even far away from him. He heard Harry’s protests but there was no use. He just had to go now. He stepped onto the street and all he could think of was that boy. That boy that made Louis feel things – things he could never describe. And he wanted to be as near to him as possible, inside his arms and under his head and his hand and his lips. Those lips… But then he couldn’t think of anything at all. Louis wondered why, but even that wasn’t really possible. So maybe he was dreaming. Or maybe he was dying. Oh well, that wasn’t too bad news. So Louis didn’t fight any longer against this darkness around him, but welcomed it silently with a relieved sigh.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!   
> I finally got to finish this chapter. It was a bit hard for me, but yeah, now it's finished and I hope you like it!   
> Please, please, please give me some feedback! I really love to get to know what you guys think about it!
> 
> Much love to you all! xx

Everything was so calm. Peaceful. Where was he? Oh, maybe that wasn’t even important. Was he dead? Not important either. Hmmm… There was just silence. Or maybe not quite. Soft humming. Words. Too tired to listen, too dizzy to understand.

 

 

 

 

_Flashing lights and a roaring horn. Maybe more than only one horn. Panic! His heartbeat stood still for a moment, but then it sped up to an unreal rhythm. But was there even time for that? It all happened so fast. But then again, was there even time? It felt like it lasted a thousand years when he stood upon that street, phone in hand, while staring at that big van that was right in front of him. Driving right towards him. And blaring. Louis couldn’t even blink one time before everything was over. But somehow the moment lasted forever. He stood there and heard his blood flooding through his veins. As if it felt that this was the last chance to pulse, because in a second it would pour all over the asphalt. Louis knew that. There was a van right in front of him. And that van might try to stop or dodge. But it would irrevocably hit him._

 

 

 

 

The humming lasted. It was nice. So nice. And warm. Hmmm… would it be like that forever now? Hopefully it would. There was nothing that could possibly be needed or wanted other than that. Hmmm… No, nothing could be good enough to be compared to that sweet nothingness he was in. Right? There was nothing, right? But somehow he wasn’t quite sure about that. And with that spark of doubt, with that second he digged a little too deep, he suddenly didn’t feel all too comfortable anymore. There was something in his head. And then from time to time he heard things. And at some point he even _felt_ something. Not really within him, but… he felt pain. Pain and a heavy numbness. Those feelings would take turn or sometimes even show up simultaneously. But he couldn’t concentrate on that. He felt so tired…

 

 

 

 

_Hard asphalt beneath him. And pain – god! There was so much pain. He felt it all over his body, inside and out and it was so unbelievably intense that it almost felt like he wasn’t hurting at all. Like when water is so cold that it almost feels hot. The pain was so unbearable that he barely felt it at all. He didn’t know where up and where down was. He didn’t know anything. And yes, he indeed was scared. He didn’t know what happened and what would happen next. He didn’t know if he was safe or not, and he didn’t understand the pain that might or might not torture his body. He couldn’t see and couldn’t hear – or maybe all of his senses were overly active so that his mind was overwhelmed and couldn’t really feel anything at all. And he felt so lost. But somehow he knew something WOULD irrevocably happen know and that… well, maybe that was a good feeling. Maybe that brought the answer to the lately always present question, what he should do now, what would or could come next. And know he didn’t have to search for an answer. Fate took charge now. And wow, how good it felt to not be responsible, to not have to have control. He just wanted to be. And he was. He simply was._

 

 

 

 

The last hours had been an absolute nightmare for Harry. He was one hundred percent sure he had never felt any worse. It had been horrible to see Louis’ cuts on his arms, and it had been horrible to see him feel so bad. But that now! He felt like he might just black out again.

 

 

His lips trembled when he breathed out deeply. Instantly he felt a warm and comforting arm around his shoulders. It was Liam. Harry looked at his friend and felt his warm and teary eyes travel over his face. He had to look dreadful. Hours of crying. Ugly sobbing and thousands over thousands of tears. At first he had let nobody near him. He hadn’t wanted a hug or any human contact at all. He’d just wanted to feel Louis. To hold Louis. But those hours had passed. And now that he was completely empty and feeble, he was glad to feel his friend’s love for him.

 

 

Of course the other two were there as well. They were all sat in this depressing waiting room, staring at one of the four walls. Waiting and thinking and waiting and crying and waiting. There seemed to be no end to that.

 

 

Harry let his head sink upon Liam’s shoulder and allowed his friend to put his second arm around him. He felt less weak due to the tight embrace. Harry sighed. And Liam cleared his throat.

 

 

“It’s going to be fine. He’s going to be fine. Everything will be fine! I know it!”, he said quietly. Harry closed his eyes and his lower lip trembled some more.

 

 

“But you don’t know that! What if- what-“

 

 

“No! No, Haz! Don’t think like that! We can’t allow ourselves to think like that! Louis WILL be fine!” To hear his best friend’s name did hurt. Very much. But it also made a warm wave erupt deep in his stomach that somehow seemed to give him a bit of strength back. Harry sat up, rubbed his big hands over his face and then over his pants to get the wetness off his hands, and took Liam’s hand.

 

 

“You’re right. We have to believe in it. We can’t lose him. I can’t lose him”, he said, barely more than a whisper.

 

 

“And you won’t, Haz! He is so strong! He will get through this.” Zayn’s voice was so comfortingly smooth like usually and it strengthened Harry even more. He felt Zayn touching his knee lightly and looked into his brown eyes. They looked so sincere and determined!

 

 

“Look”, Niall said, “I’ll bring tea and coffee for us. Louis needs us to be strong.” With that he left the room much less euphoric than usual. And Harry could see how his hands too wiped across his face. They all had a hard time coping with this situation. When they found themselves in hard situations it was usually Louis who held them together, who would make them feel better and cheer up. Louis had always been the one out of them who they could circle around so that they felt like a functioning system. He was their anchor who held them in place. This was something they found out very early on. Louis was the heart and soul of the band and at the same time he was the heart and the soul of their system, of their family. And it was very, very hard to be without him in this situation. And of course the fact that HE was the one who was currently stitched together was much more terrifying.

 

 

And Harry had been terrified since Louis had called him. But it was so much worse when he hadn’t only heard noises that seemed to be brought about by a horrible scenario but actually SEEN Louis. Because he had. As soon as the boys had managed to awaken him properly they’d immediately ran towards the direction Louis must’ve been. And it wasn’t a hard task to find him. There were people and sirens and ambulances and policemen. It was an utter mess. But it had been no problem for Harry to find Louis in all this chaos. Not only because he would always find Louis in a crowd but also because he was lying on a stretcher in the middle of it all, seemingly unconscious. And there had been blood – blood everywhere he’d looked.

 

 

Harry didn’t remember those minutes in detail. He must’ve run towards the wounded boy and maybe he screamed and cried and yelled because later on his voice was a bit hoarse. He remembered that he just wanted to touch Louis, to feel him, to ensure himself that this beloved person was not – oh please! – NOT dead. Because he wouldn’t stand that. He would not survive that. He needed Louis!

 

 

A sob escaped Harry’s dry mouth with this memory. Louis how he had lied there, seemingly lifeless and wounded and so, so small and helpless.

 

 

He pressed his hand upon his mouth to try and stifle those sobs which began to multiplicity quickly. And as soon as he did, there were hands and arms all over him, soft voices and soothing words spoken towards him. He held fast onto those familiar souls who surrounded him, because he felt like he couldn’t hold himself alone anymore. It was too much. Why Louis? Why him? The best person he’d ever met, the best human being that could possibly exist. Why his Louis? He couldn’t imagine a life without him. He couldn’t even imagine the next hours without him – especially now that he felt so weak and would have needed him. Louis couldn’t help him now, because he was currently busy with fighting for his life.

 

 

And that was the point, where a desperate cry crawled out of Harry’s mouth. An animalistic sound he never made before. But he also had never felt like that before. It just dawned on him: Yes, Louis was fighting for his life right now. But – Would Louis fight for it? Would Louis even want to make it through this?

 

 

And Harry knew no answer to that. He only felt fear. Great, horrendous fear. Because even though Louis never said that out loud, Harry knew that the answer would rip him apart.

 

 

He tried to concentrate on those soft hands that caressed his wet cheeks and tried to actually look at his friends to get those thoughts out of his mind. He saw utterly concerned faces that changed looks. Gosh, Harry needed to pull himself together. His friends were hurting too; he couldn’t be another burden for them right now.

 

 

So he tried and the next few hours were a constant interplay of calm times with soft whispering or silence and times of emotional breakdowns with crying and holding each other tightly. At one point a doctor finally entered their room and told them that the operation was over now. They weren’t allowed to know anything else but luckily Louis’ mum arrived some time later. She got to know that the operation went well according to circumstances. Harry wanted nothing as much as seeing Louis but that wouldn’t happen until the next day. Everybody wanted to make him go home for a while and sleep. But he couldn’t. So they all stayed there. Jay was allowed to visit Louis for a short time and the rest of the night she was holding Harry’s hand. They said Louis wasn’t over the worst. In the morning they would decide if he was stable now.

 

 

It was a very, very long night and when they finally heard the magic word ‘stable’ Harry could breathe properly for the first time since the accident. And he was allowed to visit Louis. After they all saw him for a while, the boys and Jay left him alone some time with the pale boy in the white room.

 

 

Of course there were tears in Harry’s eyes again. He slowly sat down right beside Louis’ bed and softly, very, very softly took Louis right hand in his. He needed to feel. He needed to make sure, that Louis really was there. The hand was cold but soft and definitely Louis’ hand. Harry cried for a while and stroked the small hand in his. Then at one point it was so quiet and he felt so empty that he instinctively started humming. It was just one unimportant song that coincidentally flashed through his mind. But it was a bit of a consolatory for him. And hopefully for Louis as well. He wanted Louis to not feel alone, but safe and loved. Because he was. Harry would not leave him alone in this cold room. Louis was safe now – Harry would protect him. And of course Louis was loved. Even though Harry’s heart was shredding tears and was hurting, it was still beating. It was beating for Louis.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lately I couldn't stop writing, and so I'm able to update again. :)
> 
> Oh yeah what I wanted to say is, everything related to the hospitalization is just my phantasy. I don't claim validity to any of that.
> 
> And like always I hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> P.S.: I heard the Lana Del Rey version of "Once Upon A Dream" while writing at this chapter. Just in case you'd like to know that. :)

Oh, there was that soft humming again! He would hear it every now and then. It was the only noise – the only thing even – that made sense. And he was so happy to have it. Amidst this state of nothingness he felt very, very lost and didn’t quite know where to he should turn. But then there was that humming again and he knew that he would always move towards it. It was holding him there, holding him in place and he was very, very thankful for that. He couldn’t quite think about it – somehow his brain didn’t work. Or did he even have a brain? Too much thinking… The only thing he could really do was listening. And that was what he did. Hmm…

 

 

 

 

Louis was asleep for way too long for Harry’s liking. With every passing day he got more nervous. Well, the doctor told them that Louis had to sleep for a while and it would be good for him because his body was so wounded that it needed it’s time to heal. And even he couldn’t tell when Louis would wake up. But he was positive that he would and that he would be fine. So Harry tried to be as optimistic as the doctor. But it was so hard! He was so unbelievably worried. He just wanted Louis to wake up and to be fine, but he had to wait and wait and nothing ever happened. Louis was still lying there, all pale skin and lifeless face. But in all his vulnerable paleness he looked so beautiful! How he lay there in grace and peacefulness. He was so small in this big room, but at the same time the room was so full of him and his sleeping presence.

 

 

Harry left the room as seldom as possible. Once in a while he had to, because he needed to eat and drink and go to the toilet. And even he needed to sleep a bit. Well, often he would just sleep with the head pressed to Louis side, but the doctor and nurses as well as Jay and the boys sometimes even dragged him out of the hospital so that he could rest for a while at home and change his clothes. Every time Harry had to leave Louis he felt so bad for it. Not only because he wanted to never leave him but also because it might happen something to Louis while he wasn’t there. What if he’d wake up? What if something bad happened? What if he needed him? He had no peace while being home. Well, he had no peaceful time at all, but being at home was so much worse. Most of the time he was with Louis. He would hold his hand, caress softly his smooth skin, hum lovely songs or sometimes he would even talk to Louis in the hope he’d hear him.

 

 

Of course Jay was there a lot too as well as Louis’ sisters and the lads. The nurses didn’t like to see Louis’ room so full of people, so they had leave the room from time to time to meet up in a waiting room. Harry didn’t care, he would stay with Louis no matter what. And luckily everyone just seemed to accept that silently. When they were all in the room together they would talk lowly with each other or stay silent. They didn’t want to disturb Louis.

 

 

But everything was different when Harry and the lads reentered the room after the doctor made the daily checkup. He seemed to have been drawing blood, because Louis’ arm lay still turned upwards with a plaster across the crook of his arm. And suddenly chaos erupted.

 

 

“Oh my god, what… what is that?”, Liam yelled.

 

 

“What?”, Niall asked confusedly.

 

 

“His arm! Louis, he- my god, how the fuck…” Liam ranted on and on while Zayn went alarmingly pale and slid down to sit at a chair. Niall stared disbelievingly at Louis’ exposed arm. And of course Harry knew very well what they all saw and what they were thinking. Liam was still yelling and Harry somehow wanted to protect Louis from it. He stepped up to him, sat down and took his hand in his like usually.

 

 

“Harry! Haven’t you- what shall we- Haz!! Why- Did you know that?” Harry looked up to a terrified Liam and nodded slowly.

 

 

“I’m sorry. He didn’t want you to know about it”, he mumbled. He heard soft sobs behind himself and knew it must be Zayn.

 

 

“What, I don’t understand… Why and what and… Liam?!” Niall looked so shocked and hurt as Harry had never seen him before. “Louis is hurting himself???” The whisper ended in a high pitched sound that was very similar to a sob.

 

 

“Yes, yes he does”, Harry whispered.

 

 

“But why?”, Liam yelled out. He seemed so angry but at the same time his eyes were glistening and Harry knew how hurt he was about that. They were all.

 

 

“And how long?”, Niall added. Harry sighed and said:

 

 

“A whole while now. But since I know about it he did it less. I can’t tell you exactly why. He’s not well.”

 

 

“Oh my god”, Zayn groaned and stood up to walk next to Louis’ left side and kneeled down right in front of the scarred arm.

 

 

“No!”, Niall gasped, “He can’t do that! Why is he doing such a thing? Why is he hurting himself? And this much!”

 

 

“There are so many scars!”, Zayn breathed while two tears slowly made their way down his cheeks. “Louis! Lou, how in the world can you do this to yourself?”

 

 

“How in the world haven’t we noticed? How??” Liam was now pressing his fists against his head as if he tried to beat those thoughts out of his mind.

 

 

“He’s good in hiding it. He hid it long from me as well”, Harry admitted and lowered his head to absentmindedly press his lips very carefully onto the smooth skin of Louis’ hand.

 

 

“But I thought he got better lately! I thought it was never so bad that he would literally hurt himself! I’d never imagined something like that. I mean we were all worried about him, but honestly… I never ever had the thought of… well… THAT”, Niall spoke.

 

 

“We all didn’t know how bad it actually was… except Harry, right? Why haven’t you said something? I know he didn’t want to have us know, but still! With us knowing too we could have been protecting him so much better from himself!”, Liam said with an intensely voice. But at least he wasn’t yelling anymore, Harry noticed.

 

 

“Believe me, I really wanted to. But he let me promise that I would keep my mouth shut. And I never let him out of reach for a long time. I was very, very careful. But I’m glad, that you all know it now. He needs to get better. He needs to never hurt himself again.”

 

 

“And he won’t”, Liam said with a deep frown, “Because we won’t let him. From now on we will never let him out of sight. He won’t get a chance to do that.” Zayn sighed.

 

 

“Li, you know that it wouldn’t solve the problem. The reason why he does this to himself would be still there. We need to help him get over whatever makes him slicing his skin open.” All four of them flinched at those harsh words.

 

 

“Maybe we could get him to talk to us about what’s the matter. Maybe then he-“ But Harry interrupted Niall:

 

 

“No. He won’t talk. I mean he talks to me about how he feels sometimes because I’m begging him to. But he never talks about anything else. And I’m sure no matter whom of us, he’d stay silent. But I thought… perhaps he would talk to a person he doesn’t know.”

 

 

“Like a psychiatrist?”, Liam asked.

 

 

“Yeah, like that”, Harry agreed. He wasn’t sure if Louis would actually do that. When it came to Louis everything was possible. Maybe he’d try to skin him for that idea.

 

 

“Guys, we need to be really calm when he wakes up”, Zayn said, “You know if we instantly assault him with that he will shut down immediately.”

 

 

“You’re right, Zayn. He’s very fragile. I felt like he’d be knocked over by every simple word. I think it’s best to not mention it at all at first. Are you alright with that, lads?” Harry was so worried. What if Louis would wake up and Liam instantly yelled at him, or Niall asked him why he’d done this? What if Louis would withdraw himself from him even more? What if Harry would lose this last bit of connection to him as well? He couldn’t. He needed this sleeping boy. So freaking much.

 

 

Harry raised his right arm and caressed really gently Louis’ cheek. Without thinking he moved closer towards him and oh so slowly let his lips touch Louis’ forehead. He stayed like that for a second with closed eyes and inhaled deeply Louis’ scent. Of course there were many other smells on and around him but it wasn’t hard for Harry to extract that one special scent that he’d always recognize as this gorgeous boy beneath him. He pulled back a bit so that he could look into Louis’ delicate face and smiled a small smile. He stroked a strand out of Louis face and then sat down again. He felt a hand upon his shoulder.

 

 

“Haz”, Liam spoke gently, “Everything will be fine. Louis will get better. I promise.” Harry nodded lightly.

 

 

They all sat there beside Louis for a whole while. They didn’t speak but just watched their friend sleeping. You’d say he slept peacefully – but truth be told, can you really sleep peacefully with internal injury? But Harry liked the image of Louis just sleeping like any normal afternoon. He liked to imagine Louis’d awaken soon because his nap had been full of lovely dreams and had refreshed him. He tried to think that way as much as possible because it wouldn’t hurt as much as the truth. And like that he imagined other stuff that he’d really like to be reality even though he wouldn’t admit it.

 

 

Next time he stopped daydreaming it was much darker in the room and the lads had disappeared. Only Louis and he were left. So he continued staring onto those closed beautiful eyes and those pale lips and those very delicate cheekbones. He might never be able to look at anything else. Because – truth is, he could have looked at that gorgeous sight forever. And actually he really wanted to as well.

 

 

“Boo. I know you can hear me. Because you’re always listening when I say something. And now won’t be an exception. I promise you everything will be fine. You will be fine. I’ll never leave your side, I’m always here for you, love! Everything is a bit confusing right now – I believe you find that too… but, that doesn’t matter. I love you so much! You know I do! And I will help you and protect you and care for you, now and always. You are safe with me, Boo. Don’t be afraid, I’ll look after you. Sleep well and dream of beautiful things, darling.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm back! I'm really sorry that it lasted so long for me to update! I hope you still enjoy this story and you'll give me some feedback! Please!
> 
> xx

The day Louis casted up his eyes Harry felt like awakening from a horrendous nightmare.

 

 

He was now standing with a plastic coffee cup in his hand at a window in this now well-known waiting room and was staring out into busy streets and a darkening sky. He breathed out deeply. Those last days had really worn him out. So it was not only an amazing fact but also an absolute necessity for Harry to see Louis slowly blinking his blue eyes open.

 

 

It had happened in the morning. The five lads had just arrived to visit the still sleeping boy when Harry had suddenly felt a light movement beneath his finger. He had been holding Louis’ hand like before but this time his hand had felt a very soft squeezing. His eyes instantly flew towards the closed ones of the injured boy beside him and he had been shushing his friends quite rudely.

 

 

In this moment of silence Louis’ eyelids had fluttered open and he had looked a bit lost into the air around him.

 

 

“Oh, Boo! You’re awake!”, Harry had whispered. Those soft words had seemingly reached Louis’ ears because he had turned his head very slowly so that his eyes had finally landed onto the in agitation widened green ones. After a few moments Louis had opened his mouth to say something. But it had been more of breathing when he’d said:

 

 

“Hazza”

 

 

And just this one word had been enough for Harry to shed thousands of tears and to shower Louis in assurances how glad he was to see Louis awake. But the latter one had not been able to get all of those words, he had just looked into Harry’s green eyes and had then been falling asleep again.

 

 

The lads had called the doctor and Jay to inform her about Louis’ awakening while Harry had continued to hold the small hand in his and to try and stop the tears.

 

 

Later on Louis’ mother was with him when he had been awake again. She hadn’t left the room so Harry still had to wait for his chance to talk to his dearest friend. And that was why the plastic cup was now wadded in his hand. He couldn’t wait any longer! He needed to see his boy; he needed to hear his voice again and to make sure that he was alright!

 

 

That was why he was now storming down the hallway to get to the room he knew Louis was in. He passed by some surprised nurses but Harry didn’t really spend a thought at them. When he nearly reached the door he wanted to open so desperately, Jay stepped out of the room and looked at him instantly. She closed the door behind her and then Harry was in her arm.

 

 

“Oh love. Thank you for being there for my boy. I know it means so, so much to him to have you here”, she whispered into Harry’s ear and stroked lovingly all over his back.

 

 

“How’s he? Is he awake?” His voice was a bit hoarse.

 

 

“Yeah, he’s awake now. I talked to him a bit but I don’t know… he’s, he didn’t say much. He seems conscious though. He asked me to let him alone. Maybe he’s asleep now...?”

 

 

“I need to see him”, was all Harry said.

 

“Right”, Jay answered simply, “I know.” With that she let go of him and gave him a sad but thankful smile. Harry hurried to smile back and then entered the room quietly in case Louis was sleeping.

 

 

But he wasn’t.

 

 

 

 

Louis was glad his mom left him alone. He didn’t know what to say to her. Of course he was really sorry that he didn’t want her there next to him. Especially because he hadn’t been the best son lately. He knew that. He had almost never called and the last visit was months ago. But what should he say to her? When she asked how he was, he said he was fine. But no, of course he was NOT fine actually. When she asked how the accident happened, he wasn’t sure what to tell her. Well, what DID happen? And… was it really a complete accident? Sure, he was surprised to see the van in front of him. He had not planned all of this but… he hadn’t made sure the road was empty before he crossed it either. He’d not really cared about that. And then there was still everything that had happened before the accident. Louis was still the same. He was still the weird broken boy.

 

 

He pulled is arms around his tummy to try and hold himself somewhat together like he’d done it before. And in that moment the door opened again. But it wasn’t his mother who came back. It was Harry.

 

 

Harry!

 

 

“Hey there”, mumbled that familiar voice from the door. His was still standing there without stepping up to Louis.

 

 

“Hi”, Louis breathed and couldn’t stop himself from pulling his mouth into a very small but very real smile. He had missed this boy with that in concern furrowed brows which were now smoothed due to the smile Louis gave him.

 

 

“Will you stand there forever?” Louis couldn’t stop himself from asking that. He wanted Harry near him. He wanted to feel him. To make sure he was really there. And that was when Harry began to chuckle and was walking towards him. Louis’ heart was speeding up in anticipation when Harry pulled back the chair beside the bed.

 

 

“So glad to hear your sass is still there.” Harry’s eyes were sparkling with humor and with something else – Louis wasn’t sure how to define it. But it gave him goose bumps and a light tingle in his tummy. He coughed lightly to overcome his nervousness and cringed when he felt a harsh pain somewhere inside him. Harry’s smile vanished instantly.

 

 

“What is it, Boo? Are you hurting? Shall I call the doctor, or-?”

 

 

“No! No, it’s fine”, Louis hurried to answer. “It’s just… coughing is not good.” He tried a reassuring smile before he closed his eyes for a second to force the pain away. He felt a bigger warm hand around his and opened his eyes to observe this loving gesture. God, how good that felt! He had no strength but he tried to grip tighter onto Harry’s hand to keep it there. Harry seemed to understand his movement as a sign for uncomfortableness which was why he was about to pull back his hand.

 

 

“No, please stay there, Hazza. Please, don’t let go”, Louis mumbled lowly. He felt warmth in his cheeks and lowered his eyes. He felt so shy suddenly! Why was that?

 

 

“Of course, love, I won’t let go.” Harry’s voice was so warm. Oh, how Louis needed that warmth! How he literally bathed in that warmth!

 

 

They were silent for a while. Louis just enjoyed to have Harry here, to feel his presence. And Harry might felt the same.

 

 

Later on Harry said: “I’m so glad you’re going to be alright. I was so concerned. God, Boo, I swear I had never been so scared in my life. Please make sure to never do this to me again!”

 

 

“Sorry”, Louis murmured, “I didn’t mean to- I mean, I- I’m sorry.”

 

 

“Shh, it’s over now. Now you’re here. And I will take care of you. We’ll get you through this. Through all of this.”

 

 

When a single hot tear rolled down Louis’ cheek Harry pulled him into his arms – carefully of course, to not hurt the wounded boy.

 

 

“I mean it”, Louis heard the deep voice whispering into his ear, “I’m here and I won’t let you go.”

 

 

 

 

Louis didn’t quite know where all the time went. Day by day passed by without being noticed. Every day seemed to be the same like the day before. There were checkups, sleeping time, eating time, time when there were visitors and time when he was alone. Of course his family and his friends visited him frequently but the nurses didn’t like to see his room so stuffed with people. That was why they had to stick to the visitor times strictly. So Louis had some time like midday for himself. And those times were really, really hard. All the bad thoughts came back maybe even darker and crueler than before. He couldn’t do anything about it. He just lay there, unable to do something against this pain inside him. And how glad he was when Harry visited him! Of course Harry too had to leave from time to time but he was sneaky and stayed with Louis most of the time. Sometimes he would just sit there and hold his hand. Sometimes he read while Louis was sleeping. Or sometimes he just observed Louis while the latter one was staring into the air. But there were also times when they chatted animatedly. Mostly it was Harry trying to cheer Louis up. And sometimes, sometimes it worked.

 

 

But not today. Louis couldn’t help it, he was so, so tired of it all. And the fact that he was effectively chained to the bed made him feel like he was imprisoned. He wanted to get out! He needed some space between him and everything else. And even though he was really glad to have Harry near him he couldn’t stand the fact that he had to see Louis like this. That he had to see Louis so miserable.

 

 

“Lou, don’t you wanna talk about what’s going on in your head?”, Harry asked cautiously. But he just earned head-shaking. Harry sighed.

 

 

“Look, I tell you something. I, I wrote at a song, you know? I haven’t shown it to anybody but I thought, maybe you’d like to hear it? Tell me what you think about it?” Louis looked up. A song from Harry? Of course he’d like to hear it!

 

 

“Yeah. please play it.” Maybe Louis voice sounded tired. And like he was a hundred years old. But at least he really cared for that song even though he didn’t know it yet. Maybe it was just because it was Harry’s song. Because… well, he cared for him.

 

 

“Alright. It’s not that good, I know, but, it’s not ready yet, so…”

 

 

“Just start! I bet it’s awesome.” And Harry began to sing. Of course it was beautiful! Within the first words Louis had tears in his eyes. He couldn’t stop them. It wasn’t just how wonderful the song was. It too was what it was about. It was about a person fearing for another person to drift away from them, to be scared of that growing distance without being able to overcome it. And in addition to all that there was just Harry’s voice. Harry’s beautifully warm voice that sounded so, so comforting and like… yes, like home!

 

 

When Harry finished, all Louis could do was hold his arms out. And Harry understood instantly and came in for a proper hug.

 

 

“Hazza, that was so very, very lovely! You are unbelievable!”, Louis breathed into the other boy’s ear while gripping tightly onto him.

 

 

“Thank you, love. It means so much to me for you to say this.” Harry sounded so happy that Louis couldn’t hold in a small smile any longer. And Harry felt it somehow.

 

 

“Are you smiling, Boo?”, he asked unbelievingly and pulled back to examine Louis’ face.

 

 

“Yeah. Maybe!”, Louis said and watched Harry’s eyes grew larger – just like his own smile.

 

 

“I love your smile, you know? You show it way too rarely. I’d wish I could see it all the time”, Harry spoke. With that Louis’ smile disappeared and his eyes looked sadly into the green ones in front of him.

 

 

“I’m so sorry. I try but-“

 

 

“What can I do, love? Tell me and I will do it!”, Harry asked desperately while staring deeply into Louis’ eyes as if he searched deep down Louis’ soul for an answer.

 

 

Louis breathed out. “I don’t know, Hazza. I don’t know what you could do to make it better. I don’t know what anyone could do to make it better. I just, I just want it to be like it was before. And then this room! Argh, it drives me crazy, it’s like a cave. I don’t want to be here!”

 

 

“Alright, that’s a start”, Harry said and stood up.

 

 

“Where are you going” Louis started to panic. Had he repelled Harry so much that he wanted to leave? Had he been too honest? What had he done??

 

 

“Hey, calm down, I’ll be right back.” Louis face might still look panicked, so Harry took his face between his large hands and said “Boo. It’s fine, I’m here, okay?” Louis nodded. “I just want to figure something out.”

 

 

Louis nodded again. “Oh, okay. Okay.” Harry gave him a light kiss upon his forehead and left. What was he up to? And oh, how his forehead was now tickling!

 

 

Louis seemed to have to wait forever until Harry was finally back with a large smile across his face.

 

 

“I have a surprise for you”, Harry said seemingly happy with himself.

 

 

“Really? What is it?”, Louis asked skeptical though a bit excited. A surprise from Harry.

 

 

“I managed to get you out of this room. Well, only for a short time, but I thought you’d like to get some fresh air..?”, Harry answered.

 

 

“For real? I can go outside?”, Louis asked and was very nervous now. He really wanted that! A lot!

 

 

“Technically no – you’ll have to sit in a wheelchair. But yes we’ll go outside. What do you think?”

 

 

“That’s great, Hazza! Thank you! But how have you-?”

 

 

“Doesn’t matter, love. They’ll prepare you for it now. I bet they’ll-“ In that moment the door swung open and as well the doctor as a nurse came in … a wheelchair in front of them. Louis sighed. THAT part was definitely not his favorite.

 

 

 

 

When Louis finally sat in that damn wheelchair the doctor stepped up to him and said: “Alright Mr. Tomlinson. You’ll stick to the rules, right? No walking, no physical strain. When you feel tired or you’re hurting you’ll call a nurse immediately. You won’t stay longer outside than as arranged. Everything clear?” He had a stern expression and Louis hurried to nod in agreement. At least he will get to go outside, so whatever.

 

 

Harry looked at him and asked: “Are you ready, Lou? Don’t you think it’ll be too much for you?”

 

 

“God, Haz, just let’s go! Now!” Harry nodded, smiled excitedly at him and pushed the wheelchair out of the door. Louis heard the doctor calling: “I confide in you, Mr. Styles!” And then they left everything behind: the doctor, the depressing room, the hospital. Louis felt a sudden tingle in his tummy and turned cautiously to look at Harry. He was blended by a bright smile and couldn’t help but smile back.

 

 

“Thank you, Hazza. So much!”

 

 

“No worries, Sweet Cheeks.” Oh, another old nickname! The tingling became stronger. “Time to get you back out under the sun. I bet it missed you dearly. At least I have.” When he spoke the last words his eyes lost a bit of their sparkle. He looked sad now though his smile was still present.

 

 

“I missed you too, Hazzy!”, Louis whispered in response and made a silent promise to himself to really try and get better. And to never push Harry away again. Because really, that was the last thing he ever wanted.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know about making a playlist, but I wanted you to know in case you are interested that while writing this story there was the whole time the song "Dead Sea" by The Lumineers in my mind. Either I hear it or I sing it or it just plays inside my head. I wouldn't say it's an inspiration for the story but it fits and if you don't know the song yet then go listen to it! It's awesome!


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